Resolutions

I swore to myself I wouldn't make resolutions this year. I never stick to them and they end up being forgotten about by the second week in to the new year. I don't need to diet or give up smoking. I don't leave anything to the last minute or not organise things when they need to be done. I don't see the point in having them as they are unrealistic to me usually. 

I am sorry to say, I'm about to contradict myself. 

I am making three resolutions this year because I feel I need to change some stuff and it's the perfect time to do it. 

1. Speak up: I don't tell people what I think often even though it seems like I do. I have bottled up emotions that I have to vent and I'm sick of being the one who is told to shut up when they are in the wrong. 

2. Finish what I start: I make a lot of excuses to not do something and I procrastinate a lot especially when it comes to writing. I have been working on a manuscript for a novel for three years now and I only have a little more to do and I keep finding ways to not finish it. 

3. To perk up a bit: I have been feeling down and paranoid lately, mostly because I feel like what I had tried to get for ages is going to be taken away. I don't think anyone will understand what that is about so it's ok to talk about it. Also I have been really stressed over nothing and all I want to do is sit indoors watching lord of the rings instead of facing my problems. 

My resolutions are realistic to what I might be able to do but most likely won't because I am very lazy. I don't know if any of my friends have them but they probably have better ones than me. 

My laptop is dead and I braved the outside world

I have written this on my phone. My laptop is playing games with me so everything I do is on my phone. 

This is bad because there are some programs I need to use to get work done. And I had a urgent need to finish a chapter of a manuscript the other night and had to write on paper at three in the morning without drinking any tea. 

It is also a good thing because I have been outside more and have written in unsual places. I've been up a tree on the edge of a cliff and written a short descriptive piece on the Yggdrasil, I suddgest you look it up. I sat for a hour in  the Boscome shopping centre and got some ideas on a new anthology. I even did the stereotypical thing and sat in a coffee shop with a note pad and pen, staring wishfully out of the window.  

I should be doing revision. I'm starting in the new year, if I live that long without my dear laptop. 

I suppose I won't be on here again until the new year..... Or maybe just before. I don't know what my resolution will be yet, maybe not to kill anyone.  

Before I die part 1

Before I die I want to 

1. Fall in can't eat can't sleep love

2. Finish reading the Grey's anatomy

3. Beat the record of breakfast items eaten at my favourite greasy spoon

4. Reserch my family tree 

5. Meet a tall dark stranger in a back street club

6. Eat a entire advent calendar in one go

7. Buy a 67 Chevrolet Impala 

8. Do the walk of shame

9. Meet the queen

10. Steal candy from a baby

I'm mental

You didn't need to do that. It didn't aid you in any way or bring you satisfaction or make your life complete. In fact it could potentially hurt someone in the future or annoy them intensely. So why did you do it? 

I was walking home at 1:45 ish last night and I pushed a plastic bottle of a railing. That was what I though after I had done it. I don't know why I did it, I just felt like it. I get thoughts like that on a daily basis and it creeps other people out when I share them. 

A week ago I was in a lecture hall and I had the thought of maybe slamming the person infront of me head's into the desk. I didn't obviously. But I could of. I had never met the girl but I wanted to. 

As humans we have strange moments like this but most people ignore them and move on, never to speak of them again. I however, sit and contemplate the meanings of these things and have decided I am probably mental and should be locked up. But only if I actually acted on them insead of just thinking when I'm in my room on my own.

I turned

At the beginning of the year at college I was really down. I didn't want to wake up in the morning and drag myself outside. I hated being in lessons but I seemed happy enough. I wanted to go back to secondary school and be with my mates but I knew I couldn't and it made it worse. I didn't have any friends in college and I couldn't talk to any of my friends outside college because they wouldn't understand and I was the strong one, the most level headed of the group. 

I didn't know how to deal with my problems and in the end I didn't want to even see or speak to my mates or anyone I vaguely knew. Even going to the shop was a task that I wasn't willing to do. 

But after the half term, where I went to Comic Con, Lego land, HP studios, and Warwick castle and did so many other things, I started to cheer up. And when I got back to college I decided to make a effort and speak to people instead of  being the black sheep. I made a few friends who I can sit with and find at lunch for a laugh. I can't believe in six weeks I have turned myself around so quickly. I know that it isn't a big story but it matters to me. 

Mumsters

As the sun looms overhead in the cold afternoon the pack draws closer to the enclosure of pups, they grin and bare their teeth in a attempt to charm others and lead them in to a failed sense of trust. The pups that are not old enough to be enclosed sick to their elder's side. They whine and scurry around tensed feet. The elders glance around at the outsider. 

Waiting outside the school gates is risky, especially if you are the only teen there and the clique mums don't like you because you and your own mother aren't like them and their families. If it isn't the mums you know don't like you then it's the strangers giving you sneaky side along glances, wondering if you are the mother of one of the children in the school which is a false accusation! 

The stay at home mums huddle around the gate trying to be the first in so they can get their child and go home to cook dinner or take them for a play in the park next street along. I just grab my sister and her friends and run. I run fast. I am not scared of many things but monsters that lurk at the gates creep me out. 

BIRDS ARE EVIL

Birds are spawned from the devil's eye dust. Only creatures like that can be thought of in nightmares.

I fed the ducks this weekend. I mean my family and the people I was with fed the ducks and I stood on the other side of the field  because I hate them. There wasn't even any ducks there, it was swans, seagulls, and Canadian geese. Why are Canadian geese in England? 

I just don't like things that could potentially poke out my eyeball without being provoked. And I'm not keen on things that fly and let go of their waste at the same time. 

Interesting fact: the White part of bird poo is actually their urine and the dark part is the other stuff. It all gets pads into a paste for easy carriage.  

Deck the halls

Clear the halls of Christmas cheer

Falalalalala

Keep it to yourself this year 

Falalalalala

Stop the sleigh bells, stop their ringing

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Ditch the turkey, eat some chicken 

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

See the children's joy before us

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Christmas presents, let's discuss 

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Deck the halls with severed dolls heads

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Sorry children, Santa is dead

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

I got him in the chimney 

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

He is in the basement waiting  for Christmas tea

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Music

My music library is mixed. It can be on shuffle and go from a violin piece, to a screamo dubstep track. But the things they all have in common is, every song on my phone has a personal meaning to me. Whether it is just one line from the song or the whole thing, they mean something. I couldn't choose a favourite because just one couldn't sum me up.

Some songs that I can relate to at the moment are:
   Blank space by Tylor Swift- This is relevant to me because I can't hold a relationship and that is what it is like if I get into one except the jealousy part. I don't get jealous.
   Centuries by Fall Out Boy- I want to be remembered for something. It could be for doing something good and courageous or for being locked up for being a psycho.
   We are golden by MIKA- or really any songs by MIKA, he has been a role model for me since I was little because he is free and open about who he is and he denies all labels people try to put on him. His music reminds me I can be who I want and not give a damn about it.
   Perfect by Emma Blackery- I love this song because it is a mood lifter and it makes me feel good.
   Beautiful lie by Brothers Grimm- This song was the start to a whole new world of music for me and it was the first screamo I could understand.


I have other songs that I love so much but these are the main ones I love right now.

Would people notice?

Would people notice?
If I went
If I disappeared
If I left?

Would people notice?
If I changed
If I stopped
If I finally acted?

Would people notice?
If I stopped taking this
If I stood up
If I finished it?

I often wonder what would happen if I just stopped talking to people or  if I just left and didn't return for a while. Would people forget me? Would they even notice or care? It would break me if they were to leave my life or stop talking to me. I would demand answers and I wouldn't stop searching until I had found them again. I know that old friends read this. I know I don't speak as often any more and I am sorry. But you haven't tried either. 

So,
Would you notice?

Possible

Why dream about the possible
When you can dream about
The impossible?
Why not perceive a future wonder
Instead of downpour
And knowing?
What is it like to dream of possible?
Why would you
When there are so many
Impossible possible things to dream of.


I may be high on painkillers.

Getting out of bed

Getting out of bed in the morning is hard for me as I can't just roll out of bed and onto the floor and gradually wake up. I have a high sleeper which is basically a double bed on stilts. And if I want to get up, I have to get up and out into the harsh cold that is outside my duvets without adapting a little first. It is like being thrown into the sea in the middle of winter only while you are half asleep and dying inside.

When waking up in the morning, the first thing I do is turn off my alarm. I have three of them, one at 6:30, one at 7:30, and one at 8 when I actually get up. I have managed to pick the most dream shattering alarms in the world. They are a delight to hear when I am awake before the alarm but when they actually wake me up, I want to throw them across the room.

I am a person who looks likes Anna out of frozen crossed with the devil himself in the morning. My hair is a mess, I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no use of my throat until I leave the house.

I can't have my laptop on my bed with me because the lead doesn't reach and it wont last twenty minuets without it. My phone is the only thing I can go on and even then the charger wont stretch high enough and if it needs charging in the night it goes under my bed on my windowsill and I have to get out of bed at 6:30 and turn it off.

I hate waking up.

The darkness should swallow me while I am weak!

I don't get ill very often. I don't get viruses very easily and bacteria fear my immune system. I still manage to get a cold every winter and it sucks!

When I get a cold it is bad and I sometimes can't wake up in the morning on time because my body is so tired from fighting it. At this very moment I have a sore throat, headache, blocked nose and sniffles, and less energy than a hundred year old sloth. And I want to grab some cyanide and stop the pain once and for all.

I still go places and do things when I'm ill, with the risk of getting more ill, because I don't want to miss anything and I don't really ever pay attention to my own health as much as I do others. I am still going to do into college tomorrow and I am still going to probably hate myself because I am stupid and if I feel like a bulldozer has hit me I should probably stay home.

Also I don't like explaining to people why I am not at college/school/work because it is really awkward.

So tonight, instead of revising for my chemistry test I will be watching Minecraft let's plays and Jeremy Kyle on youtube.

Goodnight healthy people.

The Kindness offensive

A few years ago some friends and I collaborated with the kindness offensive for the first one out of London! I am so small and somehow cute.

The first of the Christmas posts because there will obviously be more!

Jingle bells
Avengers smell
Thor I hate you most
Oh what fun
It is to rule
Now a party I will host!

Sorry, I am feeling very Christmasy and I am still Loki obsessed. I love Christmas and it is by far the holiday I get into most! Halloween, I can deal with because of the sweets, Easter, all for the chocolate, Valentines day, I am a very lonely person. But CHRISTMAS is awesome !!!

I love the music, food, the joy that comes with the season, and the mistletoe because I can force people to kiss me. But we have this big build up from October onward, right up to the day itself and as soon as it turns to boxing day, it is all over and everyone gets ready for New year. And this is the bit I don't like. The sudden disappearance with decorations, love, happiness and how everyone make the transition into the bad new years resolution discussion.

Despite this I do enjoy the season and I have some favourites.
Song: Fairytale of New York, The pogues
Movie: Muppet's Christmas Carol.
TV program: The Gruffalo
Food: Bubble and squeek on Boxing day
Sweet: Candy canes

The Iron throne is mine!

SPOILERS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ OR SEEN IT!


The internet is full of quizzes telling you what sort of animal you would be or which element are you but I took a what Game of Thrones house would you be.

I am a Lannister.

We are smart, cunning, and loyal to a cause. Apparently we don't stop until we have what we want and will do anything to get it! This describes me very well but I think this can apply to one of my favourite characters as well, Margery Tyrell.

She is smart and manages to manipulate Joffery and Tommen many times, she is also cunning while doing it. She is loyal to the cause of becoming the queen, not A queen, THE queen. She also doesn't stop until she gets what she wants, which is the crown.

She is also very kind to people whereas most of the characters just use kindness to manipulate others to get what they want. Margery Tyrell has a friendship with Sansa Stark, even if it was just to help the Tyrells kill Joffery.

Game of thrones is complicated.

The preforming arts

To the future musicians, actors, dancers,
To the people who think they can sing for answers,
I'm sorry to say, that's not how it works,
But I do wish you luck as clothes shop clerks.

To the ones who dream of Broadway hits,
To the people who are after all the Ritz,
It's all luck, there you go,
I'll see you down the promenade for the puppet show.

To the people who prance around,
Who twirl and bop to a sound,
There is not many of you out there,
You are still saturated, beware.

Although I have insulted you,
And said your dreams aren't coming true,
It's you I envy so much,
As I have no talent to clutch,
I sing and dance on my own,
In my room, In my home,
I can't carry a tune,
I sound like loon,
And I dance like a confused raccoon.

I hope you get somewhere in the end,
This poem is not meant to offend.

Boys, please.

However we dress,
Wherever we go
Yes means yes
And No means no.

I have a ratio of boy to girl friends 3:1, this means, and I have counted, seven out of the thirteen boys I know are hitting on me and not in a good way.

They grab me when I don't like being touched. They constantly ask me for things and no, you are not getting any! I love you guys but seriously, you take it too far most of the time. I get hot and annoyed when you do this and it makes me not want to be near you.

When I say no to you, I mean it and please don't touch me unless I say so. Respect me as a person and not just as your plaything.

27/11/2014

27/11/2014

It appeared in July, when I turned sixteen, on my wrist in twisted black characters. People get these dates all the time but most get more than a few months. I don't want this to happen yet. I have so much more to do and so much more to see. I wanted to travel the world with just a backpack and a map with me. I wanted to go to university and become a doctor. Marriage and kids are no longer a possibility. I was going to try for a boy, I was going to call him Darren. I'm halfway through writing a book, my greatest work so far. It is about- No I won't tell you, maybe they will publish it once this is over.

My family have had time to come to terms with it, I mean, they've all seen it. How could I hide it? It has charred my life since that day. They have tried to say positive for my sake. Who wants to be sad at a time like this?

It is nearly seven and nothing has happened just yet. Maybe it's wrong and nothing will happen. It's never happened before but maybe just this once.

I wonder what it is going to be like. Will it be peaceful or painful? Does anyone know?

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

I will wait. I wonder what will happen. I wonder how it will end.

Adults

Adults will tell you all through your life that you should work hard to achieve your goals and get qualifications but not the adults I met today.

A employer's experience happened today for my year and it was a experience indeed.  I was told that I wasn't doing the right subjects for what I want to do, and I know I am, I was also told that there is no point in trying to get too far in life as getting a job is all about luck.

Well done employers! You have successfully made a entire room full of teenagers feel like they are worthless next to you.

As I went to a business and enterprise college for my secondary schooling, I didn't think I would learn anything new and I didn't. A afternoon well wasted when I could have been revising or browsing Tumbr.

Can't I?

It started as a lie, a diversion from the truth. I wanted her off my case and you were the perfect victim. Then stuff happened. You told me everything. I know everything. To be fair, I knew everything anyway, I can read her like that.

Then I started liking you more. I don't know why or how this happened but it did. I actively tried to engage with you more than before with decent results. She moved on. You got jealous. I gave you advice on what to do and how to act. I tried not to be biased but sometimes that couldn't happen.

Then someone told you. We went on as before. She carried on as before.

Now I am stuck between waiting for that sliver of a chance that may not even come around, or going another path towards entertainment elsewhere.

I am sick of this. I am sorry.

I don't want to ask. I can be scarred of asking, can't I ?

Taste of a broken woman.

Sour face
Sweet words
"Know your place!"
That's what she heard.

Bitter tongue
Soft words
They stepped on her as she clung
On the edge,
They had misheard.

Metallic cheeks
Smooth words
As she shrieks
The men, they spurred on,
Snapping their wild beaks,
The promise of a fairer existence
Her persistence,
It got her,
Down,
Down,
Crash on the,
Ground.

Love

When is the right time to fall in love?

When you are a teenager you are too young and should live your life but when you get to mid 30s you had better find someone fast or you won't be wanted. So when is the right age? According to most adults I've asked have said when you meet the right one but that is not a definite answer.

According to the Daily mail we only have four chances to fall in love and the average time to settle down is at 27 but this still doesn't mean you are in love. And what is the threshold between lust and love? To some love doesn't even exist except as a few chemicals in the brain.

I don't believe in soul mates as the existence of a person who is another part of me scares me to the point of I would kill them. I couldn't deal with another me, one is enough. Also I don't think it can be catagorised like the colour wheel of love theorised by John Lee as Eros (loving a ideal person), Ludos (Love as a game), or Storge (love as friendship). And I could go on for hours about how love at first sight would probably end up in death or destruction, see Romeo and Juliet, Twilight, and The Vampire Diaries.

I believe love grows after knowing someone, either loving them as a friend and knowing you would probably be dead without them or as romantic love which can either last for the rest of your life or sizzle down into nothing. I have lots of ex partners and those things ended on bad terms over half of the time. I so want to be in love and feel what it is like but I'm willing to wait, whether it is waiting until next week or the next decade.

I still consider my self a interdependent female even if I have a person beside me while I sit on my throne. What happens when a woman marries a king? They become a queen. What happens when a man marries a queen? They become a prince.

" May you find love. May you find it, wherever it's been hidden. May you find who has been hiding it and exact revenge upon them." Cecil, Welcome to Nightvale

Me and my,"totally emo, depressed, antisocial" friends

Last night I went to a well known youth club in my area with some friends of mine. One was dressed as the cat in the hat if you want to recognise us. I have not been there in about 3 years because I don't fit in with the people who go there very well but everyone else wanted to go so I went with them. We left the place at around 8:45 thinking we would go to the party that was happening near there but instead we went back to my friend's house and played cards against humanity. We were going to play Monopoly but we couldn't be bothered when it came to it.

This is a normal thing to me now because it's what my friends do. We do go to parties but not many, we do drink but not that often and not that much. And instead of getting pissed on my 16th birthday I had a Alice in wonderland party with all my friends where we played the card game and sat around eating all night.

I don't see much of my old group any more because we all go to different colleges and we can never find the time to have a big get together but I miss them, so much. I don't have many people at college I can hang around with because I don't really like talking to people but I have people I can talk to in class and sometimes at lunch.

I have people I hang around with out of school but it's in one place and we never seems to do much. I sometimes avoid going there because I am not in the mood to be treated like I am by some of the others that go there too. So instead of all of this I read or I go for a walk. It clears my head and relaxes me.

Instead of Homework

The fact that I should be doing my creative writing homework instead of writing this says something about my life, doesn't it.

People think I have a interesting life because I seem to be doing things most of the time but really I am at home on my laptop, bored, and just ignoring you. I do go out places and I do fun things but sometimes I'm just left alone with my mind thinking of random stuff.

I don't do normal teenager stuff like go outside and shop and meet up with friends because I don't have the energy and I don't have normal friends that go outside. For example the person I see most often doesn't go outside very much, has lots of people round most of the time and still manages to have a better time then I do.... and they are normally less skint too.

I do stupid things, like insult people on purpose but not on purpose if you know what I mean and not tell people I like them when I should because I am such a coward but really I am usually so calculative and precise about what I do that this stuff happens.... most days.

Snapchats to the couples.

I am pretty calm most of the time but I can get angry really easily if provoked. Looking through snapchat and Facebook has been a wild ride this morning because everyone seems to have fluctuating moods.

One second the story says, "Omg love my bby <3," and the next, "how could you do this to me," and my personal favourite, "I love being ignored!" It seems like I need to delete snapchat as their snaps are mostly idiots messing around at college or how they love their baby boii.

I like social media because I know about everyone's lives and it is sooooo interesting (She says sarcastically).

Well I may send out a snapchat later with my baby on. And the caption : My Horny Baby xxxx

Spring

A gorilla roars and awakens the world
After it's frostbitten slumber
Bunny's hop out of their burrows to pose
For springtime photos
Lambs trot out of the barn
Ready to be slaughtered for roast dinners
Flowers pop out of the ground
Only to be plucked from their beds by passing children.

The clocks go forward, the mornings are lighter
And I leave my sleep a hour earlier
The shimmering blue skies and dazzling sun
Tricking emo's into thinking it will be better today
Birds sing and trees blossom
Annoying the workers stumbling like bees into the morn.

Colours appear out of nowhere
And so does the rain,
Chocolate litters the shop shelves
And so do summer Bikini body programs,
Chickens tuck into seeds
And I tuck in to their fried almost children.

I hate spring.


P.S Don't ask about the gorillas.

Proud

I went to collect my GCSE coursework the other day. After reading through it I decided most of it wasn't worth my time and I threw it in the recycling bin. The few pieces I did keep were either because I will use it at some other point in writing, doodling or using somewhere else. The thing I knew I would keep is my product for textiles.

My queen of hearts costume.

We were told to be original and I was. Instead of the traditional heart shape I did a human heart and blood vessels running all over it. It appealed to my gory side and my creative side and I am very proud of it! It took me 5 months to make and do all the paperwork as well and I got a B for the writing and a A for the actual thing.

My point is that you can be proud of the little things that may take time but are extremely worth it.

I will

Hello,

     I will make up rules about sleeping on my bed and then go against them completely.

     I will use you as a body pillow and cover you in my many duvets and pillow I own.

     I will introduce you to my pink monkey and my pink Tribble, Frank and Glow Coud and expect you to deal with them. 

      I will curl up in my desk chair and not move for hours on end, even if I need to go to the bathroom or get food.

      I will sit in boys boxers and a jumper while playing Xbox and swearing at it.

      I will play with all my nerd toys in my room and make up scenarios in my head. 

      I won't pressure you to join in.

      I won't make you okay my rules.

      I won't murder when you are here.

  

      I promise (I think)

Time anxiety

Have you ever gotten stressed about being late? What about being on the verge of crying and breaking down when you are late or so close to being late? Then you may have Time anxiety.

Monday morning, it's 8:30 and I'm about to take my 30 minute walk to college. It is raining. I ask my Mum if she can give me a lift but she is taking the kids to school so I decide to get the bus. It gets to 8:50 and the bus still hasn't come yet so I start walking. At this point I'm annoyed that I am going to be late but as the walk turns into a run, I become more and more upset about how I'll be late and how I will get in trouble and how if I am late I will miss content and fail my exams.

This would have been the first time I was late for anything in the last 4 years as I am nearly always early, I can't just be 'on time', I need to be early.

I wasn't late in the end. I was 30 seconds early and I had managed to do a 30 minute walk in 10. No one wants to be late but if I know it's getting close and I am miles away from my destination, I will be literally in floods of tears.

Body Image: Long leggies

My legs consist of two thighs, two knees, and two shins. I also have feet attached to them.

My legs are very well worked as I walk to college everyday and practically walk everywhere else. I shave my legs in the summer when I am most likely to wear shorts or a skirt but in the winter I just wear jeans or, on occasion, tight although I don't like wearing them much. I thought my legs were weird up to a few nights ago when I realised that my legs aren't that big and are quite long for my height. Also it means most jeans fit me now (Male gender and female gender)whereas they never used to fit me around the waist.

I don't have much upper body strength but I could probably kick in a door if I tried.

Just because I love grumpy cat...

Body image: Down low on the down below

I will say this now before we even get started, genitals are not pretty. Don't even try to explain that they are beautiful pieces of human nature because they are not! 

The female parts are horrible and get covered in blood every month ( sorry for mentioning that boys) and the male parts look like the neck and head of a Brontosaurus. Nice mental images are they not? People try to make them pretty by putting gems on them (why?) and/or shaving them but really I don't want to know what you do with yours. 

In school we are taught about these things called STD's. These are things that may infect you at some point if you don't use protection when having sex and the way they banged it into our heads that they are nasty...... constant pictures of them in every sex education lesson.

    Thanks Supernatural! 

What do you like about me?

This wiki How tells you what to say to a girl but I have never asked anyone this before. In fact it's mostly boys who have asked me this and here is my answer.

I just do. There is nothing specific to me about you that I like its just you in general. It may seem a little bit bad that there is nothing specific but there is but I cannot pin point it just yet. 

Please don't ask this unless you want a awkward teenager racking her brain for the right words. 

Clothes for college

It used to be so easy

One outfit per week

One skirt, one jumper

Three shirts and a blazer 

Now I'm in college it is a whole other type of world to secondary school. We wear our own clothes and it is a complete hassle to find different clothes everyday.

Now my biggest problem is shoes. I don't know what shoes to wear most days because it will be raining in the morning but then dry up later and I'll have wet cold feet all day. I may just buy some slippers and wear them around college. It would be much easier. 

Now coats and jumpers. I don't have a locker so I can't just dump stuff in it like I used to and carrying around a coat all day is just annoying.

I may just come in, in different onsies every day.

Body image: Chest and torso

My chest and torso are the bits of my body that are hidden most. I am a female so I have boobs. If you are a male reading this then well done! You have the decent genetics!

I like my chest because it's my chest and yeah. I don't like it because it makes me a target for groping from my friends.

My torso/ stomach is normal, I would say. I'm definitely not skinny and I'm not "fat" either but I do have creases in my skin where I sit bent over a key board or paper or book and it make me look weird. I am rather thankful that I'm not skinny because then I wouldn't be able to eat as much as I do now.

I know this post is short but I am writing this at 1 in the morning and I publish these things later after I proof read but I won't change everything. I will say that what I love most about being this size is that I have a perfect body for a corset and I rock them. Also, all t-shirts fit me in the women's section and men's section.

I would upload a picture but I don't have any so here is a picture from my favourite anime.

Body image: Arms and hands

My arm from the shoulder to the wrist is 19 inches. I am right handed and I bite my nails. I have all injections in my left arm and I have no upper body strength at all.

 I don't take many pictures of my arms because who does but I do take pictures of the stuff I draw on them.

I dislike the fact that when I put my arms down and against my side the top of them looks really fat but I pay no attention to it mostly except when wearing vest tops.

I like my arms because to me they are a blank canvas that should be drawn on. I like tattoos and may get one in the future but at the moment I draw on them with pens and paint and make up. I write notes on them to remind me to do things and I colour my hands in sometimes when I am really bored but since my teachers at school told me to stop about 3 years ago I draw on the side on pages in my books.

I would never self harm on my arms because it can be seen by everyone and it would mess up my canvas.

My arms are part of my art.

Body image: My Head

This is my face. More specifically. my head. I have naturally brown hair but it is currently a blonde/ginger/brown/blue mess.

 I have hazel eyes and I wear glasses so I can see but people seem to like taking my glasses off me so they can put them on and see if glasses suit them. I wear make up most days but only a few bits and I only ever overdo it when I cosplay Loki or Cecil. I don't have any part of my face pierced and I don't plan to. I have freckles that come out when it's sunny.

My favourite part of my head is my mouth because I can freak people out with the fact I can touch my nose with my tongue. I also like my hair because I do what I want with it even if it sometimes doesn't want to.

I don't like my nose and forehead. I have never got many spots but I get them most in the middle of my nose and forehead that makes them really hard to hide.

I deal with the things I don't like by using concealer and foundation but it doesn't always work. I sometimes wear hats although I haven't had to much this year because it hasn't been too bad.

I also like to think that my brain is part of the aesthetic and I consider that my most redeeming feature.

This is my head. To hell if I don't look awesome.... sometimes.

Body image

Body image is a really big issue for teens all round the world, including me. Although I can wear the same top and jeans all week and not care, but I do care about what others think of me on the first meeting. And to make you all feel better about yourself I am going to show you what I think about myself and how I deal with it.

Topics I will cover at some point:
-Head and hair and stuff like that,
-Arms,
-Chest and torso
-The down below
-Legs.

I will post them all separately but link them all together so you can just go from one to the other.

Social experiment

A few months ago I posted a series of statuses to see what sort of likes and comments I would get on them. It turns out I got the most likes and comments on the status " What the hell, I just don't want to be near you any more." Whereas I got the least on the status "Brilliant, decent job and Awesome new games."

From this I can say, people only want to talk when they think they can get some decent gossip out of you. I was asked what was wrong more than 15 times on the first and I wasn't messaged at all on the second.

To everyone who did message me and faked concern, there was nothing wrong and sorry for that but half of you don't even like me and the other half of you I don't talk to. The experiment was a little unfair as my close friends did know what was going on and they started the ball rolling by commenting first. But I asked them not to on specific ones.

I also put up a status asking if anyone wanted nudes. You dirty bitches wanted them as well.
 You got what you wanted.....
   

When the car falls

I used to be able to run faster than any car
If I tripped and fell
Scraped my knee
I would get back up
Shout "wait up guys"
And carry on, running after that car.

I used to be able to run faster than any car
The wind blowing through my hair,
If tripped over rocks and twigs
I didn't fall as much
And I got up, any scratches?
Not a smutch,
That car nearly beat me.

I used to be able to run faster than any car,
But now it's a jog,
I don't trip any more,
I am careful,
I try not to stumble,
If I fall I drag myself back up,
The car has passed already.

I used to be able to run, faster than any car,
Now I walk,
The breeze zooms past, as the car did, minutes before,
The car is too fast for me now.

This time,
When I fall,
I won't,
Be getting,
Back,
Up.

ATTENTION

After sitting near some boys during lunch in a corridor at college I have realised how easy it is to stay ignored when you need to be. The lads who were just having some 'good old fashioned banter' didn't even look at me until one of them was whining about not having anywhere to sit and being the totally extroverted person I happen to be (not), I told them to just sit down next to me.
 
Back to the being ignored bit.

I have had a little sister since I was four so I know how to pass blame or stay out of trouble but with my sarcastic attitude and general nastiness growing everyday I am finding it harder to stay out of people's way. In secondary school I wasn't noticed by teachers because I did my work and stayed fairly quiet but the students were another thing all together.

When I dated my friend, who I shall not name but she knows who she is, some girls in my form found out and would not stop asking whether we had got it on yet. Eventually my friend left school and we split up but we are still besties and she  left me to deal with the occasional piss taking that only came up when the day's topic was boring and one day I decided to 'troll' them. When they jokingly asked what she tasted like I said "strawberrys". And of course they shut their mouths immediately. The next week's scissoring conversation was hilarious.

Other people who noticed me lots were some girls in the drama class. I was very well known for the creepy and weird performances. At the end of the year I wrote a particularly gory and nasty message to a girl who had annoyed me for years, but I will admit she was very persistent which is a sort of good quality, and she made me read it out in front of all the people in the room.

I don't go looking for attention for myself usually because I hardly need it or want it but the attention I have received so far in college has been mostly good. Except the weird dude who said " my sister follows you on Tumblr and has read you post on sexuality and would really like to meet you and with a chance, date you." Someone actually said that and thanks, but noooooo thanks.

Morbid Madness, Ruthless Religion, and Gorgeous Gods.

You know how a heart beats. A electrical impulse is spread around the cardiac muscle on fibres that open and close the valves stopping your blood from going the wrong way. That is the easy explanation anyway.  Humans have a double circulatory system in their bodies, this means the blood pressure can be controlled and maintained around your insides. The blood goes through the heart and up to the lungs to absorb oxygen then back down through the heart to be pumped to the rest of your body.

But did you know that you can actually die from a broken heart? Your heart strings can snap from extreme stress caused by being upset and lonely. I found it hard to believe when I first found this out but apparently you can.  

I haven't had much emotional trauma in my life because I'm a realist and I just go with whatever happens. But I love humans. I like learning about the way they think and how they feel and acts during different situations. I have been able to read people for a very long time and I know when I  am being lied to. This also means I can lie very well myself and it has come in useful a lot. I want to study disease and death, and although that sounds morbid it is a rather interesting subject. Learning about life is something I can do while I'm alive but no one gets a chance to study death once you have experienced it.

To me, death is beautiful and poetic. Almost like finishing a book and being satisfied with the end, I think the end of life is just the start of something else. Not like a afterlife but just the start of nothing, and that both scares and fascinates me.

A afterlife is a idea that there is something else after what we have now and I don't know whether to believe it or not. If there are afterlives then there are so many choices to where we go, it sometimes seems that by picking a religion you are picking a sort of holiday destination without getting a opinion from someone who has been there before. I don't mean to offend but if every religion is promising a "better place where you will be loved and accepted for eternity" for their followers and sending everyone else to the fiery pits of whatever hell they come up with then why does everyone need to pick?

I have read and believed in so many things over my lifetime that I have just made up my own sort of religion that I don't have to share with anyone else. My Gods are from a mix of  'dead' religions such as ancient Greek, Roman, Egyptian, and Norse because I think that after centuries of not being thought about, except from a fictional view where they are gorgeous or a mythological view, they deserve a peace offering every now and again.

All I really know is if there is a Heaven, Hell, Valhalla, Helheim, Asphodel meadows, Tartarus, Paradise, reincarnation life, or any more that I can't be bothered to list, I will be going to some sort of dark place as I am a full blown evil ass hole as I will rule the underworld.


My heaven is everything I would go to hell for.

Picture of Loki because he is a awesome sauce God that many fan girls would bang.

My sexuality

I like boys. I like girls. I like people who don't have a specific gender. In summary, I am pan-sexual.

I don't think it matters any more what your sexual orientation is, it no longer defines you as a person even though some people still treat it like it does. I have liked both males and females for as long as I can remember but only a few years ago did I start to notice at people who didn't define their gender as either of those and that is when it hit me, why do I need to keep myself liking only two genders when everyone deserves a chance at finding someone no matter what they classify themselves as.

And let's face it, who wouldn't want a shot at me.

...Most of the people I know actually but that isn't the point. I have some best friends who are A-sexual, demi sexual, bisexual, and straight or gay and I like them for their personalities, not their preferences.

When people say to me, "Don't you miss being with boys when you are with a girl," and vice versa, I simply reply with,
"No, and do you know why? Because I could get any nice piece of ass I wanted and I can choose who that ass belongs to. Both male, female, trans and more can make me happy but the thing is I am the one who can decide what gender and this makes me more likely to have a true love than you."

Limiting myself to one gender would be like taking away part of my life. I know that some people can't see why others would go for the same gender than then or the non-binary genders who apparently "haven't made up their minds yet" and I can accept that.

All I need to know is that I can like anyone I want without being judged because I know that the people I have surrounded myself with accept me no matter who I choose to mingle with.

P.s.     pansexuals are dragons!

Real life

What is real life?
It is the reality I dream of,
The actual dimension, I want to be in
My real life is what I want it to be
Not what you see it to be.

What is my dream life?
The here, the now,
The ground I walk and the air above
The walls that hold me in
My dream is what you see
Not what I want it to be.

What is my nightmare?
Your perfect world
The things you dream of
The things you see
My nightmare is you
Not what you thought it would be?

Good morning

Good morning.

>Have a lay in

>Get out of bed.

   Good choice. No use in being lazy.

Choose your weapon.

>Water

>Orange juice

>Tea

>Coffee 

   You brew your coffee > Drink it > Stumble upstairs > Enter bathroom.

What do you do?

>Shower

>Wash

>Leave getting clean for later and just get dressed.

   Lazy, lazy.

What day is it?

>Monday

>Tuesday 

>Wednesday 

>Thursday 

>Friday 

>Saturday 

>Sunday 

   Poor you.

What do you want to do today?

>Work

>Stay at home

>Do something new 

   What a good idea. Broaden your horizons.

Has your boss/ teacher/ person you dislike been annoying you lately? 

>Yes

>No

>How did you know?

>Why do you want to know? 

   Well, we should sort that out. 

Choose your weapon

>Knife

>Bat

>Gun you stole from a guy in the street. 

   Good choice.> Load the gun> Go outside and get in the car> Drive to your chosen persons location.

"Oh,hey, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming today."

>Say hi and explain that you are now

>Punch him

>Shoot him

   Boom headshot. Well don't

What was that again?

>Why did you Make me do this?

>What did I do?

>Burst out into tears

   I didn't make you do this. You did it yourself. I am you. Don't talk to yourself you look crazy. Now step away from the body and run. 

This was all you. Bye bye.

What I think about at 11:00 pm while on FaceTime.

I know I moan a lot. And I'm quite sorry for it because I have nothing to moan about. I have a decent life and there is nothing wrong with me except the fact I am emotionally stunted. But I am still unsatisfied.

I've worked hard to be doing what I am doing and I try everyday to do better than the previous. I am aware that there are people who work harder than me for less and I am also aware that there are people who can't work for what they want because they have decent reasons to not be able to work for it. And I know that I am one of the people in the  world who do have it good. I have everything I need to thrive in my environment.

Although I have this, I am so pissed that people can walk through life without trying at anything and having to have help at every stage because they haven't even tried to do it themselves. 

I don't like being around people outside, in college, whilst shopping, and generally at all. But I still go outside and battle it because I know I have to. I don't like going to interviews or filling in forms because I'm scared I'm going to do something wrong and fail at it but I still do because I need to to get somewhere.

Everything I do is because I have ambition and the will power to get what I want. And lots of people don't. That is why I stand out. 

I am emotionally stunted because I have held in my feelings for so long around my friends that I can't cry anymore when I need to. I am always there for them when they need it but as soon as I am upset, I'm told to shut up and deal with it. So I do.  

The point of this is really to say that I know that I'm okay, but I don't want to be sometimes and it's fine to not be good when you are working for something that you want.  

I suppose that's it for me.  

Classic reads: E.L James and the erotica of the century!

Today class we will be starting our new novel. Get out your E-readers and open a new speak and note document. Today we will be discussing a classic, don't groan like that, it is over a hundred years old and was subject to lots of controversy in 2011 and 20012. You may have heard of it, we will be discussing the book Fifty Shades of Grey. Ahh, so you have. I bet your mothers have it on their bookshelf. Now since this is only the first lesson its will only be a overview.

The main plot is about a woman called Anastasia, Ana, who attends university in Vancouver, she meets a handsome business man, Christian Grey, whom she is doing an interview on for a sick friend. Ana is instantly attracted to Mr Grey but finds him intimidating. At this point most people would assume that she would just forget about him. No, when they meet again for photos to go alongside the interview, they go for coffee and things just escalate from there.

Now what did the public think of it? The fan bases of the book and author were mostly made up of and run by women over thirty. The more intelligent people of society read the book, and then threw it into a dusty corner of the room never to be mentioned again. Now it's easy to think that I'm being very anti- feminist by saying this but its true. The women who read the book were not to be messed with and would defend the story for years to come. Despite the fact it was a very bad example of a BDSM lifestyle.

Now the author. A fifty year old woman with two teenage sons. I only sympathise with those kids. Imagine your own mother writing explicit books.... Actually don't. I know all your mothers and I don't want to scar you for life. She originally wrote it as a Twilight fan-fiction. Remember Twilight from last year, let;s not revisit that disaster. She described her book as "My mid-life crisis, writ large. All my fantasies in there, and that's it." Later E.L James was named one of the most influential people in the world.

A movie was produced and released in February 2015. It was of course very popular and the cinemas were filled with exited fans. Many women who were fans of the book took their partners along for ideas. This was before the automatic matching programs were the norm. The audience left the room moaning, in two very different ways.

Now for your homework. Tell me your view on the book, don't just watch the film! I want to know how controversial this can get.

I saw my teacher out of school

I saw my teacher out of school 

What he was wearing wasn't cool

Instead of suits her usually wore

Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts- what a eye sore

I saw my teacher out of school 

And he was at the beach 

From what I saw, what a fool 

Thank god it's not textiles he has to teach.

Friend Zone

They say that it is so much easier for women to get out of the friend zone than men. Not true! no matter how hard a girl tries, if a boy really doesn't want to be with you then the boy will always refuse. Same goes for the female version of the friend zone. You may be nice and sweet and everything a girl should want but if she really doesn't want to date you then so be it.

The difference is that if a boy gets refused then he will whine and moan to his 'Bros' and will then continue to try and date the girl or just not talk to them any more, whereas a girl will just leave it. Seriously we will just leave it. The female will be sad for a bit and maybe in the future she will try again but until then she will just move on.

I am not saying all boys do this nor do all girls but I am generalising from my own life.
I am usually put into a friend zone because every girl or boy I decide to invest my time into likes someone else but I am able to smile and move on. I'm even closer to people I could of dated than some of my actual friends and if I had dated them then it wouldn't of happened like this.
And for that, I am quite thankful.

As mine?

Are your arms as burnt as mine?

Has fire ripped through them?

Carving flame drawn patterns on your skin?

This is the beauty I have come to know.

Is your chest as frozen as mine?

Can you not thaw it with simple words?

Does your heart beat? Does it pulse?

Mine doesn't. 

Is your soul as lost as mine?

Has it been tourmented and ripped?

Scared and cut into shreds by trust?

You don't know how I feel then.

 

The one who rambles

We all have the person we know who rambles. You never particuly know what they are rambling about you just listen, nod politely, and then forget all about it. 

But sometimes they talk about something useful. Something you are interested in and it makes you realise how much they know and you havnt been listening.

Death

So they are dead. Whoever it may be for you, mother, sibling, grandparents, or aunts and uncles, they are gone and there is no way to bring them back. 

I don't know how to speak on this because I don't feel grief or remorseful or sad when someone dies. I just think that they are gone. I have been aware of the live then die facts since I was little and I'm not scared of dieing and I don't think there is any point in mourning if we all know it happens. 

Whether there is a afterlife or not we don't know because we are alive not dead. And we won't know until we are gone. 

I'm leaving this without a conclusion because I don't have one. Just like we don't have a conclusion to the question of what is life and why are we alive.

November 1st

Now we've all munched 

on Halloween candy 

Let's all just think of what's coming

What's dandy.

After the costumes are packed away

And the pumpkins rot

The sleigh bells are ringing 

Tinsel, there's a lot.

I've got my antlers

And cheesy Xmas jumper

I'm decorating my room 

I've found the snowman air pumper

The first of November

A month and a bit left 

No harm in getting ready

The halls are decked.

Karma

Life is unfair but that is just how it is! 
I don't believe in karma because bad things happen to people without good things happening too. Yes that one person who makes the bad decisions get bad results but that's their fault and you shouldn't tell them that karma will help them in some way because it won't, they can only help themselves. 
Yes there is that one person who has everything they want and maybe its because they worked for it or maybe they just got lucky and people never talk about karma for them.
What I really mean is, karma is a excuse and I don't wish to use it. Ever.
I feel like shit but I'm the only one who can make it better, not some mystical force that rules the cosmos.
I pick myself up. I work for what I want. I don't believe in karma.