Resolutions

I swore to myself I wouldn't make resolutions this year. I never stick to them and they end up being forgotten about by the second week in to the new year. I don't need to diet or give up smoking. I don't leave anything to the last minute or not organise things when they need to be done. I don't see the point in having them as they are unrealistic to me usually. 

I am sorry to say, I'm about to contradict myself. 

I am making three resolutions this year because I feel I need to change some stuff and it's the perfect time to do it. 

1. Speak up: I don't tell people what I think often even though it seems like I do. I have bottled up emotions that I have to vent and I'm sick of being the one who is told to shut up when they are in the wrong. 

2. Finish what I start: I make a lot of excuses to not do something and I procrastinate a lot especially when it comes to writing. I have been working on a manuscript for a novel for three years now and I only have a little more to do and I keep finding ways to not finish it. 

3. To perk up a bit: I have been feeling down and paranoid lately, mostly because I feel like what I had tried to get for ages is going to be taken away. I don't think anyone will understand what that is about so it's ok to talk about it. Also I have been really stressed over nothing and all I want to do is sit indoors watching lord of the rings instead of facing my problems. 

My resolutions are realistic to what I might be able to do but most likely won't because I am very lazy. I don't know if any of my friends have them but they probably have better ones than me. 

My laptop is dead and I braved the outside world

I have written this on my phone. My laptop is playing games with me so everything I do is on my phone. 

This is bad because there are some programs I need to use to get work done. And I had a urgent need to finish a chapter of a manuscript the other night and had to write on paper at three in the morning without drinking any tea. 

It is also a good thing because I have been outside more and have written in unsual places. I've been up a tree on the edge of a cliff and written a short descriptive piece on the Yggdrasil, I suddgest you look it up. I sat for a hour in  the Boscome shopping centre and got some ideas on a new anthology. I even did the stereotypical thing and sat in a coffee shop with a note pad and pen, staring wishfully out of the window.  

I should be doing revision. I'm starting in the new year, if I live that long without my dear laptop. 

I suppose I won't be on here again until the new year..... Or maybe just before. I don't know what my resolution will be yet, maybe not to kill anyone.  

Before I die part 1

Before I die I want to 

1. Fall in can't eat can't sleep love

2. Finish reading the Grey's anatomy

3. Beat the record of breakfast items eaten at my favourite greasy spoon

4. Reserch my family tree 

5. Meet a tall dark stranger in a back street club

6. Eat a entire advent calendar in one go

7. Buy a 67 Chevrolet Impala 

8. Do the walk of shame

9. Meet the queen

10. Steal candy from a baby

I'm mental

You didn't need to do that. It didn't aid you in any way or bring you satisfaction or make your life complete. In fact it could potentially hurt someone in the future or annoy them intensely. So why did you do it? 

I was walking home at 1:45 ish last night and I pushed a plastic bottle of a railing. That was what I though after I had done it. I don't know why I did it, I just felt like it. I get thoughts like that on a daily basis and it creeps other people out when I share them. 

A week ago I was in a lecture hall and I had the thought of maybe slamming the person infront of me head's into the desk. I didn't obviously. But I could of. I had never met the girl but I wanted to. 

As humans we have strange moments like this but most people ignore them and move on, never to speak of them again. I however, sit and contemplate the meanings of these things and have decided I am probably mental and should be locked up. But only if I actually acted on them insead of just thinking when I'm in my room on my own.

I turned

At the beginning of the year at college I was really down. I didn't want to wake up in the morning and drag myself outside. I hated being in lessons but I seemed happy enough. I wanted to go back to secondary school and be with my mates but I knew I couldn't and it made it worse. I didn't have any friends in college and I couldn't talk to any of my friends outside college because they wouldn't understand and I was the strong one, the most level headed of the group. 

I didn't know how to deal with my problems and in the end I didn't want to even see or speak to my mates or anyone I vaguely knew. Even going to the shop was a task that I wasn't willing to do. 

But after the half term, where I went to Comic Con, Lego land, HP studios, and Warwick castle and did so many other things, I started to cheer up. And when I got back to college I decided to make a effort and speak to people instead of  being the black sheep. I made a few friends who I can sit with and find at lunch for a laugh. I can't believe in six weeks I have turned myself around so quickly. I know that it isn't a big story but it matters to me. 

Mumsters

As the sun looms overhead in the cold afternoon the pack draws closer to the enclosure of pups, they grin and bare their teeth in a attempt to charm others and lead them in to a failed sense of trust. The pups that are not old enough to be enclosed sick to their elder's side. They whine and scurry around tensed feet. The elders glance around at the outsider. 

Waiting outside the school gates is risky, especially if you are the only teen there and the clique mums don't like you because you and your own mother aren't like them and their families. If it isn't the mums you know don't like you then it's the strangers giving you sneaky side along glances, wondering if you are the mother of one of the children in the school which is a false accusation! 

The stay at home mums huddle around the gate trying to be the first in so they can get their child and go home to cook dinner or take them for a play in the park next street along. I just grab my sister and her friends and run. I run fast. I am not scared of many things but monsters that lurk at the gates creep me out. 

BIRDS ARE EVIL

Birds are spawned from the devil's eye dust. Only creatures like that can be thought of in nightmares.

I fed the ducks this weekend. I mean my family and the people I was with fed the ducks and I stood on the other side of the field  because I hate them. There wasn't even any ducks there, it was swans, seagulls, and Canadian geese. Why are Canadian geese in England? 

I just don't like things that could potentially poke out my eyeball without being provoked. And I'm not keen on things that fly and let go of their waste at the same time. 

Interesting fact: the White part of bird poo is actually their urine and the dark part is the other stuff. It all gets pads into a paste for easy carriage.  

Deck the halls

Clear the halls of Christmas cheer

Falalalalala

Keep it to yourself this year 

Falalalalala

Stop the sleigh bells, stop their ringing

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Ditch the turkey, eat some chicken 

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

See the children's joy before us

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Christmas presents, let's discuss 

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Deck the halls with severed dolls heads

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Sorry children, Santa is dead

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

I got him in the chimney 

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

He is in the basement waiting  for Christmas tea

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Music

My music library is mixed. It can be on shuffle and go from a violin piece, to a screamo dubstep track. But the things they all have in common is, every song on my phone has a personal meaning to me. Whether it is just one line from the song or the whole thing, they mean something. I couldn't choose a favourite because just one couldn't sum me up.

Some songs that I can relate to at the moment are:
   Blank space by Tylor Swift- This is relevant to me because I can't hold a relationship and that is what it is like if I get into one except the jealousy part. I don't get jealous.
   Centuries by Fall Out Boy- I want to be remembered for something. It could be for doing something good and courageous or for being locked up for being a psycho.
   We are golden by MIKA- or really any songs by MIKA, he has been a role model for me since I was little because he is free and open about who he is and he denies all labels people try to put on him. His music reminds me I can be who I want and not give a damn about it.
   Perfect by Emma Blackery- I love this song because it is a mood lifter and it makes me feel good.
   Beautiful lie by Brothers Grimm- This song was the start to a whole new world of music for me and it was the first screamo I could understand.


I have other songs that I love so much but these are the main ones I love right now.

Would people notice?

Would people notice?
If I went
If I disappeared
If I left?

Would people notice?
If I changed
If I stopped
If I finally acted?

Would people notice?
If I stopped taking this
If I stood up
If I finished it?

I often wonder what would happen if I just stopped talking to people or  if I just left and didn't return for a while. Would people forget me? Would they even notice or care? It would break me if they were to leave my life or stop talking to me. I would demand answers and I wouldn't stop searching until I had found them again. I know that old friends read this. I know I don't speak as often any more and I am sorry. But you haven't tried either. 

So,
Would you notice?

Possible

Why dream about the possible
When you can dream about
The impossible?
Why not perceive a future wonder
Instead of downpour
And knowing?
What is it like to dream of possible?
Why would you
When there are so many
Impossible possible things to dream of.


I may be high on painkillers.

Getting out of bed

Getting out of bed in the morning is hard for me as I can't just roll out of bed and onto the floor and gradually wake up. I have a high sleeper which is basically a double bed on stilts. And if I want to get up, I have to get up and out into the harsh cold that is outside my duvets without adapting a little first. It is like being thrown into the sea in the middle of winter only while you are half asleep and dying inside.

When waking up in the morning, the first thing I do is turn off my alarm. I have three of them, one at 6:30, one at 7:30, and one at 8 when I actually get up. I have managed to pick the most dream shattering alarms in the world. They are a delight to hear when I am awake before the alarm but when they actually wake me up, I want to throw them across the room.

I am a person who looks likes Anna out of frozen crossed with the devil himself in the morning. My hair is a mess, I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no use of my throat until I leave the house.

I can't have my laptop on my bed with me because the lead doesn't reach and it wont last twenty minuets without it. My phone is the only thing I can go on and even then the charger wont stretch high enough and if it needs charging in the night it goes under my bed on my windowsill and I have to get out of bed at 6:30 and turn it off.

I hate waking up.

The darkness should swallow me while I am weak!

I don't get ill very often. I don't get viruses very easily and bacteria fear my immune system. I still manage to get a cold every winter and it sucks!

When I get a cold it is bad and I sometimes can't wake up in the morning on time because my body is so tired from fighting it. At this very moment I have a sore throat, headache, blocked nose and sniffles, and less energy than a hundred year old sloth. And I want to grab some cyanide and stop the pain once and for all.

I still go places and do things when I'm ill, with the risk of getting more ill, because I don't want to miss anything and I don't really ever pay attention to my own health as much as I do others. I am still going to do into college tomorrow and I am still going to probably hate myself because I am stupid and if I feel like a bulldozer has hit me I should probably stay home.

Also I don't like explaining to people why I am not at college/school/work because it is really awkward.

So tonight, instead of revising for my chemistry test I will be watching Minecraft let's plays and Jeremy Kyle on youtube.

Goodnight healthy people.

The Kindness offensive

A few years ago some friends and I collaborated with the kindness offensive for the first one out of London! I am so small and somehow cute.

The first of the Christmas posts because there will obviously be more!

Jingle bells
Avengers smell
Thor I hate you most
Oh what fun
It is to rule
Now a party I will host!

Sorry, I am feeling very Christmasy and I am still Loki obsessed. I love Christmas and it is by far the holiday I get into most! Halloween, I can deal with because of the sweets, Easter, all for the chocolate, Valentines day, I am a very lonely person. But CHRISTMAS is awesome !!!

I love the music, food, the joy that comes with the season, and the mistletoe because I can force people to kiss me. But we have this big build up from October onward, right up to the day itself and as soon as it turns to boxing day, it is all over and everyone gets ready for New year. And this is the bit I don't like. The sudden disappearance with decorations, love, happiness and how everyone make the transition into the bad new years resolution discussion.

Despite this I do enjoy the season and I have some favourites.
Song: Fairytale of New York, The pogues
Movie: Muppet's Christmas Carol.
TV program: The Gruffalo
Food: Bubble and squeek on Boxing day
Sweet: Candy canes

The Iron throne is mine!

SPOILERS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ OR SEEN IT!


The internet is full of quizzes telling you what sort of animal you would be or which element are you but I took a what Game of Thrones house would you be.

I am a Lannister.

We are smart, cunning, and loyal to a cause. Apparently we don't stop until we have what we want and will do anything to get it! This describes me very well but I think this can apply to one of my favourite characters as well, Margery Tyrell.

She is smart and manages to manipulate Joffery and Tommen many times, she is also cunning while doing it. She is loyal to the cause of becoming the queen, not A queen, THE queen. She also doesn't stop until she gets what she wants, which is the crown.

She is also very kind to people whereas most of the characters just use kindness to manipulate others to get what they want. Margery Tyrell has a friendship with Sansa Stark, even if it was just to help the Tyrells kill Joffery.

Game of thrones is complicated.