Dear last year.

Dear last year,
 
     You were fawning over that cool, grown up guy. He turns out to be a negative person who makes you feel like crap all the time but you realise that pretty quickly, so don't worry. You were trying to bang into your friend's head that her current boy friend was a douche. He is. You were right. You get to say "I told you so" on Christmas eve but it brings you absolutely no pleasure because it kills her a little inside. You do get to cheer her on as she cuts up all of his stuff, that's fun!

You were trying to revise for your mock exams but to no avail. Your school work is kind of rubbish because of your foul mood and you aren't eating as well as you think. You say that your great aunt's death doesn't affect you but it does. You don't feel sad that she is gone, because you accepted the concept of death a long time ago, but you get down because you start thinking about what it would be like to die. What you were to feel if you died.

When you are sat writing this next year, you will realise how much better you are, mentally and physically. You are on a much less stressful course in college and you have surrounded yourself with pretty cool people. Your boyfriend, who is a bit more childish than you although he is older, is genuinely nice to the people who deserve it. He also doesn't shout at people in customer service which you appreciate. Your friend has made so much progress when it comes to doing what is best for her. She went to Comic Con with you and did really well with the crowds! You are so proud of her. You have a actual job! it is in retail which is sort of weird but its interesting and gets you paid so it doesn't matter.

Dear last year,
 
I'll see you next November.

2014 Edition

Every so often I scroll through Facebook to delete all of the rubbish I put up there before I got self respect, before 2014 basically, and I find some pretty cool stuff. So here are some of those things I said but with better grammar and spelling. The 2014 edition/The last edition!

2014
-The way Bilbo Baggins looks at dwarfs is the way I look at you.
-I choose my clothes on whether I can brutishly kill and maim my enemies in them.
-Birds are spawned through the Devil's eye dust!
-Renowned pillow biter.
-Just told by mum to go eat the kids.... okay, if you say so.
-A sex pheromone in male mice urine was named "Darcin" after Mr Darcy.
-My heaven is what I would go to hell for.
-Queens do not weep so weakly.
-Nothing is on fire. Fire is on the thing.
-Why do people in Peppa Pig cheer when they have to dig up the road?
-"If I am for the axe, then for mercy's sake, swing it." - Loki, Thor TDW
-(Watching Sherlock)
  Sister: He's going to die, isn't he?
  Me: Killing him is SO two years ago.


This is me getting arrested at Comic Con last year... Lets hope it doesn't happen again this time!

2013 edition

Every so often I scroll through Facebook to delete all of the rubbish I put up there before I got self respect, before 2014 basically, and I find some pretty cool stuff. So here are some of those things I said but with better grammar and spelling. The 2013 edition!

2013
-May I feel? Said he. ( I posted this poem every week or so for a few months. May I feel by E.E. Cummings)
-I have programmed my sister to say Loki-Dokie instead of Okie-Dokie.
-Hang there like fruit, my soul, till the tree dies. (Shakespeare)
-Doctor Who is so far; Nudity, suggestive behaviour, and relationship talk.
-St Nick is the patron saint of prostitutes.
-Morgan is giving beauty and fashion advice to my bedroom door.
-There is a place called 'Bald knob ' in America
-A Mental Mind Fuck Can be Nice - Frank, RHPS
-I can't wait to smoke this turtle!
-"You love your wife, I love your wife, shouldn't we be on the same side?"- Casanova
-I solemnly swear I am up to no good, when I think about you more than I should.
-"I'm going to be straight with you" -Gaydar radio
-I'm so bright I have my own colour spectrum.
-I would be happy to oblige.. After you bend down and kiss my arse that is!

I think I got some decent friends at this point so some of the crap stopped.

Me, October 2013.

2012 Edition

Every so often I scroll through Facebook to delete all of the rubbish I put up there before I got self respect, before 2014 basically, and I find some pretty cool stuff. So here are some of those things I said but with better grammar and spelling. The 2012 edition!

2012;
-I dress like a doll but swear like a sailor.
-Pardon me Sir Gangster, your trousers are descending.
-Will's house is the Teenage Day Care... We should start charging!
-What if Gangnam Style is a rain dance?..... We brought Sandy to America!
-Love waving at random people because they are trying to figure out who you are for the rest of the day.
-Mary, Mary, quite contrary, let all the boys have a go. In nine months time, it's DNA time on the Jeremy Kyle show.
-Don't say goodbye. Goodbye leads to leaving, leaving leads to forgetting.
-"Why am I the only one who doesn't get banged in the corridors?" Maria, year 10
-You make me laugh and cry so much I want to punch and kiss you
-Kate Middleton has taught us that every princess has a well fit sister
-Demons never die
-Why do we get sore throats when we cry? I'm walking home and wondering why.
-Every girl starts a pawn, then they realise they should be the queen.
-I could piss off a happy meal.
-This town is like one big outpatient mental facility .
-Sat in McDonald's and there seems to be a glamorous granny competition. One went overkill on the foundation and the other is listening to rock on her apple macbook!
-Only sad people write about ending up with the dream boy.
-BRING ON THE VAMPS
-One in ten children in the UK are conceived on a IKEA bed.


I think some of them deserve context but I don't want to give any because they are pretty funny as they are.

Me, June 2012

2010/11 Edition

Every so often I scroll through Facebook to delete all of the rubbish I put up there before I got self respect, before 2014 basically, and I find some pretty cool stuff. So here are some of those things I said but with better grammar and spelling. The 2010 and 2011 edition!

WARNING:

2010 and 2011 were the years now known as the "random phase". It is called this because we used to post things such as "Quack, I'm a turtle" on Facebook and it is very embarrassing when you go back through it. These years are together because I have deleted the majority of statuses that I put up because there was no good content then.

PS. I was too young to be on Facebook at this point, I was only meant to have it to keep in touch with some old mates when I moved away but I was a bit of a idiot.

2010
-I have a gun, a shovel, and a map of the desert. Keep talking.
-Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.


2011
-Curry's don't sell curries, Boots don't sell boots, Dominoes don't sell dominoes, and Superdrug is just a waste of time!
-I'm counting bodies like sheep.
-I got trapped in the Bournemouth Library lift
-When the Citizenship teacher says "Get out," you know you have won the argument.
-No, Katy Perry. I can honestly say I have never felt like a plastic bag.
-The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

I don't miss being twelve!

Look at that innocent face! You wouldn't think she was posting really rubbish stuff online, would you?

Me, April 2010

Public, Private?

Hello Internet.

I have something to say.

I have seen people posting about their lives on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Snap chat for quite a few years now and I have no problem with that at all! In fact, I encourage people to post about what they are doing, where they are going, who they are banging.... maybe not that one (I love that sort of gossip though), but I don't like it when they are posting about other people and what is wrong in their life.

I have done this in the past but thankfully my Facebook is private and people who don't have me as a friend can't see what I post and I have deleted most of the statuses I posted between 2009 and 2014.

The pages and accounts you have on social media are, of course, your spaces but they are also very public and lots of people can see them. If my name is searched on Google my Twitter and YouTube come up which is why I control a lot, and I mean a lot, of the content I have on there. And whenever I bring up the whole "The Internet is very open" and "What you post could be a bit upsetting/offencive" things I get "But it's MY space, I can post what I want" back at me.

So, to celebrate the fact that my Facebook is no longer littered with unnecessary content,I have put together a collage of some of my old statuses through the years that I have spent trolling the Internet. No nasty ones, though! I have erased them from innocent eyes. You will get these in separate posts sorted by year(s).

Hope you enjoy them.

7 Things I have learnt this year

So, as you can see by the title I am going to be writing about the seven major things I have learnt this year. This can be lessons that I have learnt personally or through people I know.

The year I am counting is from September 2014 to August 2015 because I am still in education and that is the calendar I am used to using.


You change as a person and this doesn't mean your friends change in the same way.
I used to adore all my old school friends and now some of them just annoy me. Because I have met new people and done different things this year gone, I have matured and stopped acting like a child like I did in secondary school and because my experience was different to the rest of my old friends', they haven't gone through the same growing up process I did. As I change and grow I am very aware that sometimes people I love will get left behind because we no longer have similar interests or goals and honestly, it is upsetting but it is better to accept it and carry on then hold on to the past.

You can push the limits but make sure you know when to toe the line.
In school I dyed my hair quite a few times and only got caught once and that was because it went a little wrong and I corrected it because I knew I had pushed too far that time. I am friends on Facebook with a few of my sister's friends who are still in school. They are always trying to rebel against the schools they go to and watching them try to be "hard" is just embarrassing, for them and me! I can understand wanting to express yourself, which schools make it hard to do, but doing something just to annoy teachers, who mainly just want to do their job and not deal with unruly teens everyday, it's sort of disrespectful and can impact your learning quite a lot.

In the long run, no one cares how you want to live your life.
Think of it like this; You are a tiny speck of dust in the vast space that is the every expanding universe and your life takes up less than a nanosecond in the continuous line of past present and future. Anything you do in this life doesn't really matter to the universe because you are that small. What you do will affect the people around you and can alter your own life quite a lot, but in the log run and the progression of the universe it doesn't matter. Not one bit. If you have any further questions I am recommending The Universe Doesn't Give a Flying Fuck About You by J.Truant and many others he has written because they make you sit and have a existential crisis because what else should you do on a Sunday afternoon? 

If they look like a Pit bull, they are probably a Chihuahua.  

That is probably the worst way to phrase don't judge a book by it's cover. I have met quite a few people in the last couple of months who act and look like they are going to beat me up if I say the wrong thing but when it actually comes to it, I invite them to try and they back away with their tails between their legs.  All bark, no bite, if you will. I don't judge them though, their day might have been ruff. Then again, they didn't choose the pug life, the pug life chose them.

That was terrier-ble.....I'll stop now.

The people you used to hate because of the people they hung around with actually aren't all that bad.
I was very annoying in secondary school. I can and will admit this fully because I know I was and I am very, very sorry for it. And because I was annoying, people used to not get along with me and I didn't really like them either. Most of the year group I didn't have a problem with, but there were a select few and their "minions" that I purposely targeted with my bubbly attitude and loud morning voice. One of these "minions", I recently found, shares quite a lot of mutual interests with me and we get along quite well... apart from the occasional bantery insults. 

So I guess the lesson here is, don't judge people by who they hang around with, judge people on what fandoms they are in.

Don't work in retail while still in under 18 education.
Just don't.
 If you value your so far free Saturday mornings and your (fairly) stress free studying, don't work in retail.

Don't let your friend put henna on you the day before work.
You will get weird looks if you are pulling down your sleeves at work when you usually roll them up and you will get asked if you have been self harming. Thanks Tyne :)
Plus the guy in the shop will see it and rant about how if you are going to get a tattoo then you should just get a permanent one, not a poser tattoo.

I probably learnt a load of other rubbish this year but these are the things I came up with wile bored earlier.

Summer was not so bad...

So the summer is nearly over... And I've done nothing. 

I'm kidding this time when I say that because I kept a list of all the things I've done between June and August and there is a lot of stuff. This is a list of all the stuff I did with only a bit of context because I would be writing a essay if I gave context to everything. 

Summer 2015:

Went to Cornwall for a fairy festival 

Discovered a new party game called paranoia 

Had my 17th birthday 

Went through (and still going through) my year 7 emo phase again but looking so much better this time!

Discovered I like Muse

Had a free house for a week and did nothing

Beat the high score on the dance mat machine in the arcade 

Went to games workshop for the first time and watched a match before giving up trying to understand anything because I don't have the patience for it

Changed my tumblr URL because I didn't like my old one

Slept in a tipi for a weekend

Went to the New Forest show and climbed up a telephone pole

Went to Hereford Cathedral and Eastnor castle

Went to the gardens for the candle night and fireworks 

Wrote a rhyming story called DreamCatcher which I am finishing off and adding to at the moment

Fell through a bush trying to get back a helicopter from someone's garden and nearly getting impaled by a metal spike while doing so. 

Hung out with my mates doing stupid stuff like singing Queen songs at the top of our lungs and ordering take away and discovering that one of your work supervisors works in the Chinese 

Joined a LGBTQ+ youth club 

Went back to my secondary school to see some of the students and teachers that are still there

Went to Bucklers Hard and Milton on sea with my Grandma 

Went to North Wales 

Visited Rhuddlan and Conwy castle 

Saw the smallest cathedral and smallest house in the UK

Went to Anglsea Island and went to the place with the longest name in the UK (Llanfairpwllgwyngyll) 

Saw the beautiful Swallow falls and the ugliest house in the UK... Which really annoyed me on a personal level 

Went to Snowdonia and saw Mt Snowdon 

I also started and finished watching American Horror Story, VGHS, and finished reading The Shining (at long last). 

I didn't go to the beach. (yay!)

I had one of THE best holidays ever and I know I'm not going to forget it in a hurry. 

P.s.

After my midlife crisis in October i decided I was going to do my best in my AS exams and see what I get. I done goofed! 

Passed Biology and Creative Writing, failed Chemistry and Maths. This year I am doing a Medical science course which is a much better option and it means I get to do one day a week work experience in a medical facility... I want to go to the morgue! 

On the plus side my Chem teacher said I was a good student, always happy, always enthusiastic! I will miss those classes. 

Eris

Right, about two years ago I got bored of all horror movies because they were no longer scary. None of them! I decided to write my own. There are six main characters and this is the back story of one of them. It wouldn't actually be in the movie or story if I chose to ever make it, this is just bonus content if you will. I just thought I would share it with you. 

P.S, The first two paragraphs weren't originally meant to be part of this, it just happened... Bit of Triv there for you.

The cell was damp and cold. How else could they try to break your spirit without breaking some law about torture, or destroying your human rights. They sit you in a dark, damp, cold cell and leave you to rot for the duration of the court decided sentence for some petty crime you committed while young and drunk.

The silence and chill slowly drives you insane and the occasional drip of unidentified greenish, brown, liquid from the water logged ceiling makes you want to just dink, or at least taste, the stuff to see if it is in fact poison, as you expect it to be. If it was poison then at least it would give me something else to think about. So, you think about how you have gone wrong and what you could have done better while seething in anger about how that twat actually got away with it.

Of course there wasn't any CCTV when he was the one attacking the poor girl but all the footage in the world when I defend one of my friends. Of course he wouldn't get convicted because he is quite friendly with the judge and said Judge's son is quite a fan of this big shot ass hole but when I try to stand up for myself in court I am labelled as a "crazy feminist" who needs to calm down and let things happen. It was my fault that she ended up in hospital, according to him, and slipped into a coma.

It was only a short sentence. A couple of weeks in a minimum security facility because this prat said he could understand the mistake and would "let it slide." I did that time. I came out again and was charged with manslaughter. She died the day I came out. So, if I am going to be in prison for at least ten years, why not go the full hog and get a couple more in.

I went after him. Tore him apart. Left his intestines in a long line in his big fancy hallway. Liver and bladder smeared on the stairs in bloody clumps. I threw his kidneys around his office as if I was throwing a couple of tennis balls around. His stomach was ripped apart when I got to it so I just left it in the bath, I mean, why the hell not. I burnt his heart. It went black, charred, life and loveless. It would be sort of symbolic if I was into that sort of shit. Any remaining blood that was in his body I drew pictures on the wall with. In hindsight they were pretty, perhaps I should try to recreate them on paper with a pencil.

Apparently when they found me I was lying on the kitchen floor. I was covered in blood and guts and holding a drill. Oh yea, his lungs were nailed to the door, I can't remember why.
Besides, that bastard deserved it.
They passed off this murder as a psychotic episode because of grief. I wasn't grieving, I don't feel sad when someone dies as it is obviously inevitable. I just wanted to kill him. Not for her, but just to send a message.

So here I am. Sat in this damp, cold cell. It doesn't matter much though, I'm breaking out soon. At least that is what I tell myself. I couldn't break out of this hell hole if I tried. The orderlies come round every half a hour with sedatives and make sure you are jacked up enough not to attack anyone(bliss), Guards at every entrance, even the fire doors! (talk about safe much), and I don't know how many security cameras.... It's like living on a episode of Big Brother but with more drugs.

My name is Eris. It comes from the Greek goddess of chaos. No one can say I don't live up to my name.

Homophobes 'R' us

It is the year 2015 and what have we accomplished so far that would not impact me too much but is still pretty epic? 

Gay Marriage in America!

That's right kids, you can now marry whoever you want no matter what their gender or sexual preference! Isn't that great? I think so, but I know people who don't.  

A grand total of three quarters of my friends are not completely straight, they are bi, gay, pan, ace, etc, and most of the remaining quarter are supportive of their friends and can be around them without making any unnecessary comments about it, like friends should. There is one of my friends who is straight, homophobic, and makes comments that are rather inappropriate for the situations he makes them in, but he acts camp and to the people who know him he seems like he is still in the closet. 

We usually ignore him, we all have each other to talk to anyway. 

There are still many people who believe anything other than straight is wrong and I think that is rather bigoted and closed minded. But what are you going to do about it. 

But the point is, we are in a age where you can be accepted for who you are and how you feel. You should never have to hide yourself because someone says it is wrong. 

It is the year 2015. If you don't like how it is; shut up, grow up, and let people be who they are. 

Don't give me that "it's how I was raised" rubbish, you know better than them. 

Emily

So a few months ago I met Emily. I was in Costa getting a drink during my lunch hour at work and I was acting like a stalker and staring at her. She sort of noticed and long story short I get her number and we became buddies! Emily is one of the most ethereal and beautiful, in looks and personality,  people I must have ever met and she is mine.

Not literally mine, we aren't together, but she is mine in the sense that she hasn't, and will not, meet any of my current friends. We agreed on this after a late night discussion when I wasn't too keen on them and she wanted to know more about my life and the people I choose to spend it with. My friends know of her and that she exists in the shambles that is my life, but they know practically nothing about her. We don't have or follow each other on social media except Tumblr, but no one would know who she was anyway.

We have this relationship because we both need someone who is unbiased and away from the day-to- day things we deal with so we can just be ourselves around each other and not have to worry about what people may think.

It also helps that we are both giant nerds and belong in the trash.



She stalks this blog too so;
                             Hey Em, Hope you don't mind me writing this... See you when you get back and bring me a present back with you in the form of sugary stuff or merch!

Cheatercheaterbestfriendeater

On Facebook I am "friends" with quite a few people, about 40% of my friends list, that post things such as relationship goals, rules for a relationship, or don't talk to your ex posts. Fair enough, your space, post what you want. I find nothing wrong with what you usually post but I have some problems with these sort of things you are sharing, so here are my rules for a relationship! 

Rule Number 1:

Don't cheat. 

That's it, don't cheat. I'm not going to stop you talking to your ex, I'm not going to stop you from meeting with other people of the same sex as me. That is controlling and I'm not sure I want to be like that. In a relationship you might get into arguments and fights but if they are cheating just get rid of them. 

All these things about trust and jealousy but you break the trust as soon as you cheat, no matter what you may have done to build it up in the first place, it's gone now. 

Yes, there are other things that should be relationship rules like don't hit each other, don't disrespect a person's opinion, or don't carry on if they say no, but if these things are happening then it isn't really a relationship and you should just leave it. 

P.s 

To the cheating thing; 

"But I was drunk so it doesn't count" 

It counts. Alcohol changes your ability to make decisions, it doesn't change your morals. It's not a reason, it's a excuse. 

P.p.s

I am rather bitter when it comes to cheating, it's happend to me when they cheated on me with one of my good friends, it's happend to a best friend of mine with the same circumstances (Same girl about 5 times, different guys), and it has ruined quite a few stable relationships that I would have looked up to as a "relationship goal" if it wasn't for it. 

And the title of this is the name of a song by Nevershoutnever that my friends and I thoroughly enjoyed a few years ago. 

Truth or dare

Never challenge me to a game of Truth or Dare. Never. I am a very open and competitive person so I don't take well to being told I'm "gonna go down". So, as the beach party season approaches I am going to share one of each of the most memorable truths and dares I have witnessed over my time of playing.

The Maggot Dare:
I was once dared to eat a maggot. As I have probably mentioned, I used to hang around with a lot of boys in primary school and they were into the gross stuff as most boys are. I had to prove that I wasn't a wimp and so this was the dare that showed that, apparently. They scooped up the first maggot they found and I inevitably shoved it down my throat. I am the only one who doesn't get squeamish when I see one of those things now.

The .... Truth:
There isn't many truths that are memorable as the same ones keep popping up every time I play but the one that always gets me, whether it is directed at me or at another, is; Have you ever cheated. All ears turn to listen to you confess whether you have been unfaithful to anyone, even if it was on a kid you were with for a week in year two. I have never cheated. Not even when drunk but when people who have answer the truth they have to face the ridicule for the rest of the night which can break some people.

Truth or Dare is not a easy game to get into with me. I will always win, don't even bother playing with my fire if you can't take the burn.

Colour

If anyone has ever seen my bedroom they will know how miss matched and colourful it is. I have blue walls and a orange rug and my furniture doesn't match from years of separate pieces being replaced when they broke. I have a black sheet on my bed and a dark blue duvet with flowers on and loads of pillows. Last night I slept on crisp white sheets in a hotel room and it made me think of a post I saw on Tumblr. 

Tumblr is obsessed with soulmate theories that could be adapted to suit fan fiction and one of them is that you only see black and white until you meet your soulmate. My world is already so colourful from the new people I meet to my old scrapbooks I made in primary school and my world gets brighter and more full of colour every day and therefore I can't imagine it changing that drastically. 

My world may not change that much, someone else's might. 

One Year On

This Saturday will be the one year anniversary of the end of my secondary school life. This Saturday also happens to be one of my best mate's birthday as well, yes my last exam last year was on a Friday the 13th on my mate's birthday... and it was maths.

Lots of things have changed over the past year such as; my hair colour, my glasses prescription, where I go to "learn", and the people I interact with on a daily basis. These have all been good changes, except the glasses thing as I am slowly getting more blind, but some things have stayed the same and it's good that they have. For example; although my old mates and I all have new friends and new people that we choose to spend our days with, we have all invited each other to birthday parties because we know it just wouldn't be the same if we weren't all there.

Last month my friend's mum did that parent thing where they tell their child's mates things that their child wouldn't tell them themselves. I, and a few others in the room, were subjected to a short speech on how her daughter misses us when we can't even see each other once a month when once upon a time we couldn't be separated. Those of us in the room decided there and then to try get us all to see one another at least once a month, even if it is just for lunch and as summer is just around the corner once again it presents the perfect opportunity for just that.

My own birthday is next month and even if I can't have a proper party, I am making them all come and see me, like the overpowering dictator god I am to them ( We all have a character from Marvel's Avengers that we associate with and I am Loki, of course).

A year on from leaving a five year long torture session in hell and the people I dragged through with me are still with me now. Thanks for that guys, Satan sends her regards.

Torture of the best kind

His lips were soft. Too soft. Like kissing a cloud of vaporised candy floss. There was no harshness there either, only dainty chick pecks. They were very pink, as pink as pomegranate seeds, which are rather red now that I think about it, as just as sweet. 

It was too fast, the experience that is. He was slow. Drawing out the nips and tongue flicks, he paced it like a long distance race. Sometimes repetitive and easy and occasionally the rare trip up where the crowd gets rattled again. It was also like a sprint. The excitement and thrill was over all too quickly. 

Breathing didn't matter, in fact we forgot how to. We were in a world where we didn't have to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. Somehow we still managed to hitch our breaths, the gasps coming after the shivers still expired from our trachea. I am still not sure my avioli have recovered completely. 

I don't know why we stopped but he left a ghost. It haunts me every time someone new comes along. It traces a replay of our time on my skin so I am always reminded. It's torturous to live through it day after day, like the cogs constantly turning, pulling your limbs further away from your torso. 

 

I can't stop it. I don't want to. 

Lads

I'm sure by now everyone knows at least one "Lad". 

No?

Let me explain what a lad is; someone who is a bit of a twat, may be sexist, racist, or homophobic, and won't respect any views that are against social norms that you have, but you can't really stop being friends with them because you don't really know how. Now you realise you probably know one. 

I know several. All decent "Lads", but can get on my nerves at times and they do take the piss out of my views on a regular basis. I do want to stay friends with them because I would be a loner without them but I just need to be on some really strong drugs to deal with their shit. 

P.s. I don't see what the big deal about Nandos is. It's not that nice. 

Coraline (The only movie I can't watch)

There are very few things that freak me out. I can handle horror and gory movies no problem, I can sit for hours and watch TV shows based on conspiracy theories and the supernatural, I can even watch Barbie movies without screaming and running from the room, but the one movie that makes me want to curl up into a ball and break every needle, bobbin, and lala loopsy doll in sight is Coraline. 

Coraline is meant to be a kids film about a girl who finds a alternative world that is idealised just for her behind the bricked up door in her drawing room. It is better than her real life and had the caring mother and father that she wants, the only difference; everyone in that world has buttons for eyes. 

I'm sure that most people would have seen, read, or heard about Coraline and would know what happenes in it, if not go and watch it then come back, and I bet nearly everyone would agree that it scared them. The movie is a Stop motion animation, this makes it look even more real and horrid. 

I watched it again yesterday with my sister, who is six, and she wasn't even phased by it... How? I was eleven when I first saw it and I didn't sleep for a week! Between the button eyes and needle claws I was scared of going anywhere near the textiles classroom in school and later that year when I found a doll in a charity shop that looked like me and was told to buy it, I left the shop. No way am I facing the Beldam because I know I wouldn't resist the better world, it would have so many fictional characters in that would do my bidding. 

Also I drew this in college today;

It is on my desk in front of me and I don't even want to look at it, it's so freaky. 

P.s. I would have red buttons, I like red. 

Choice

Exam season starts in just a week and it had me thinking, did I choose the right road?

I ask myself this now because at the end of my GCSEs everything was rushed to get you ready for the big wide world, or sixth form as it is known, and then the new school year started. New place, new people, subjects that I chose to do and base my life around for the remainder of said life. Did I choose wrong?

The sciences have always been my best subject but what if I was meant to go down the language route and work in different countries instead of a lab? I won't know. 

We are expected to know what jobs we want at the very young age of 14, when we choose out GCSEs, and by the time we get to 18, we have to choose whether we want to work or go to university and study something that most people regret and get into debt for it. 

Did I make the right choices? I have been pushed to do these things by teachers, family, friends, and if because I willingly went with it, it's me that gets the brunt of it if I fail. 

Did I make the right choices? 

I bloody well hope so. 

Male coverage

All around my college at the moment are posters advertising awareness for domestic violence. They say things such as, " Are you a dream boyfriend by day and a control freak by night?" and, "Are you his princess one minute and a stupid tart the next?" The one thing that most of them have in common is that they are all centered around the males being the abuser and the females being the victims. This is the most common type of abuse we see but the roles can be switched.

Women can abuse men too but the reason we don't ever see it advertised is because men don't report it as often. Society teaches men from a early age that they should be strong and not cry or be seen as weak. We teach our young boys to stand up and be a man when they say that they feel inadequate. And most importantly, they are told that they should be above women in every way. This is why they don't report abuse from a girlfriend or wife, because we teach them that if they are below a woman, they are cowards, they are less of a man, they are the lowest of the low. 

Yes, domestic abuse is a big problem for women but it is a bigger problem for men. Female victims are given coverage, males aren't. 

Stop teaching boys that they must be stronger than girls, it doesn't do any good for their health. 

Thank you

As it is no longer the Easter holidays and I can't sit around procrastinating anymore, I would like to say thank you to some very special people. 

To Netflix, who gave me a generous fifteen seconds to decide between episodes of Scrubs and Once upon a time to decide whether I would be doing anything productive with my day. 

To Asda, for providing my very nutritious super noodles, smoothies, and donuts for energy as I waded through the Game of Ice and Fire series that I was re-reading before season five came out on TV. 

To my employers, one who took me out to a farm to see goats and get paid for it, and another who I had to go to and stand around in a shop for hours to earn some money so I could go shopping myself. 

To Amazon, who let me spend most of my wages on awesome t-shirts that didn't cost that much. Also, thanks for lowering the price on a book I wanted, it helped the pain I felt when I checked my balance in my bank. 

And finally, to my internet. Thank you for the opportunity to meet new people without leaving my house, to read and write stories that I didn't need to pick up a pen for, and to browse endlessly through pages of stuff I didn't need or want to see. 

Thanks for becoming the slippery slope that has lead me to the bottom of the procrastion pit (my room). I hope to experience you again next half term. 

Assistance

I have a grown up job! Well, I'm a sales assistant at a clothes shop and this makes me invisible to customers unless they specifically want something. Two things happened today while I was at work that I thought I'd share. 

One: I can listen in on people's conversations. 

When working at a till, the customers don't realise you can hear them and they don't actually take any notice of you until you ask them a question, like "do you want the hangers?", this basically means I can hear all about how your boyfriend is a lay about and how much your little bratty children, who are currently pestering you for sweets, are costing you this holiday. Today I overheard three mothers shouting at their children for just standing in the wrong place, a male trying to deal with his ex who had just found out he was cheating on her, and lots of fake tan ridden barbie dolls on the phone or talking to their mate about how they got with a well fit bloke last night. Thank you retail industry for giving me the chance to witness this rubbish. 

Two: I can't take things personally

I was cleaning up a area in the shop and a woman came up and asked if I knew where some navy jogging bottoms were. I calmly explained that it was only my second day and I didn't know anything about the layout of the shop and where they would be. She then shouted at me "Your meant to be a sales assistant, assist me!" I would have gladly told her where I would shove my assistance if she didn't shut up but I can't do that if I want to keep my job so I pointed her in a random direction and when she left, I hid behind the collum for five minutes. Now my mate said she might get a job in this shop a few months back and I can definitely say that she wouldn't of been able to handle that at all. 

Some customers are genuinely nice and try not to cause you trouble if you don't deserve it by some are just nasty because they can be. 

Pies piper

The story of the Pied Piper is a old one but is still relevant in life today. In every group of people you will ever meet there will be a person that everyone follows as if they were a leader but they don't act like it. In short, every group, every lunch table, every club, has a Pied Piper, the one who leads the rest with their tune. 

The Pied Piper may not think that they control the rest but there are those who see the dancing of the children when they are being lead merrily away and they know, like the adults of Hamelin, they can't do anything about it. 

There was a Pied Piper of Boscombe

They lead them away and watched 'em

Dance to their tune 

In the mid afternoon 

Under the trees with no blossom.

Toe the line

Respect boundaries, that's it. If you know that someone you like doesn't like you, no matter what their reason, don't pester them. If your best mate doesn't want a hug that day, don't continuously ask for one or ask why they are being "moody". And I don't know how many times I have to say this you makes, if a girl doesnt want to talk to you or be near you then don't ask her if she is on her period, it's the last thing you will ever do. 

Luckily I don't have to kick my mates arses into shape over issues to do with me because they are decent people and they know I will stab them but when trying to sort things out with each other, they don't do it in the best way. 

Telling a girl two years younger than you that you cut because of how she makes you feel isn't a good thing and WILL NOT  impress her. And saying that you feel bad for telling her doesn't help either, after that you don't get the right to say anything. 

To the female population

To the female population,

The time is upon us when we will start to shave our legs again

But you don't have to,

We will sit in the sun and try to catch a glorious golden tan

But you don't have to,

We will wear shorts, skirts, and clothing that may show skin

But you don't have to. 

This summer, when people around you start changing themselfs because the sun might come out remember that you don't have to follow suit if you don't want to. If you don't want to shave your legs and still wear shorts, you can and you should know that I won't judge you for it. If you don't want a tan or you can't get one naturally because you burn ( like I do! ), then don't feel pressured to get a fake tan or lay on the beach for hours because it may harm you. If you don't want to wear crop tops, shorts, mini skirts, or t-shirts, or any type of clothing that shows some of your skin then you don't have to! It is your body and you can do what you want with it this summer but please don't do something if it makes YOU uncomfortable. 

Deal with... Me, myself, and I

I have multiple personalities. Not the mental disorder, but a lifestyle choice. When around different people I am, myself, a different person. For example, around my old school friends I am pretty wacky, weird, childish, but around my out of school friends I am a lot more grown up as they have been around for much longer and have grown up with me. I also have a interview personality who deals with interviews and adults, and a more relaxed, open personality that I feel that I can share with my closest friends and people that I trust. 

Recently my relaxed personality has cause me and my friends some trouble. 

Someone I knew met me when I was with my old mates. They knew the grown up, cheeky little sod that I felt I could be in that situation but I got to know them pretty well and I thought I could open up a bit. I could not. They decided that I was in the wrong for being two different people and not being what they though I was. 

I can't help the way I act anymore as it is just something that happens whether I want it too or not. I like my personalities, they help me deal with things in a calm and responsible way. 

Don't like it? Then deal with the one that doesn't take any crap. 

Life is a musical

Wouldn't it be cool if life was a musical? 

I've never seen Rent or Wicked but I know the words to at least three of the songs, I re-watch High School Musical every couple of months, and do think about breaking into song and dance daily but I know for certain that if my college made a musical, I would be a background character that just Happens to be in the corridor when they are singing because my story isn't interesting. 

If the musical universes were real then we would have witches defying gravity, cats dancing around, chimney sweeps bouncing around on rooftops, a pie shop under a barber who's customers keep disappearing, and a alien transvestite that  builds a man for his/herself and I personally wouldn't have a problem with any of that if it meant I got a decent role. 

Most of us can relate a song or melody to a memorable time in our life's, we just don't express it with glittery costumes or dancing.... Unfortunately 

Another Virgin Mary for me

I don't believe in virginity.
But how can you not believe in virginity? Its a real thing.
Actually, its not.

Virginity, the state of never having sexual intercourse, doesn't exist in my little world. To me the losing of one's supposed innocence was never a big deal and lets face it, my mind was never innocent in the first place. From around the age of nine boys in my primary school started talking about girls, and some how knew what sex was. I, the forever boffin tomboy that I was used to hang around with said boys occasionally. We had some interesting lunchtimes, like the time one of them brought in a magazine that had some guy in just a pair of speedos in, or the fact that whenever it came to talking about the sticky stuff they would ask loads of awkward questions.

I don't believe in virginity because it is a made up concept that was used to determine a female's ranking in society quite a long time ago and by now, it should have become a little more relaxed. I can fully understand if you want to save it for the right one though. For girls it's not the nicest of experiences.Yes, men, you get the better end of the deal, we get painful first times, periods, child birth, and a higher chance of getting raped or assaulted on the streets and you get dangly bits on the outside that can be sensitive when we get too mad at you and decide to hit it where it hurts.

If anyone, repeat anyone, trys to shun others for loosing it before they think they should, I will rage at you. I was always told that it should happen when I deemed myself ready, not when any religion or person told me it was right.

P.S, I am also very aware that nearly everything I ever post will probably send me to hell, if there is one.
P.P.S, Don't drink, its not good ( Reference to title)!

Anger

There are two types of anger;

The first is the dry anger, the hate and disgust for another. The shouting, the screaming, the throwing things across the room. The blood boiling in your veins, pumping your heart. It's the rush that can drive you to do stupid things, like say you don't love them anymore, or calling their best friend better looking. You can slam doors and turn over tables but the "sorry," you get makes it all better.

The dry anger will fade, eventually.

The second, is wet anger. Tears and sobs echoing in witnesses eyes and ears. You try to cling on to everything you have, but it doesn't happen. Life doesn't work like that. The last thing you remember is curling up into a ball and shuffling into a corner, away from the hurt, hiding from the pain that ails you. Your body aches and your lungs want to give out. A "sorry," may be uttered, but it doesn't mean anything.

The wet anger, never leaves your mind.

When you say sorry, I know if you mean it. I know you well enough to distinguish the fake apologies and the real ones. Although I don't hate you, or feel any anger towards you, I don't want a "Sorry," this time.

Vlog

So I vlog now. 

Video blog, that is. I sit in front of my phone camera every so often and speak about absolutely nothing of interest. I will think of some decent video ideas at some point when I have a half decent laptop and can edit properly but for now it is mostly talking for no reason. 

Speaking in front of a camera does help confidence issues, if you have them. Only about three of four people know about the vlogs and the most views I have is four but just knowing someone is watching is a big boost. 

I am going to leave a link so you can watch if you want but don't feel like you have to. 

This was my first so be kind.

http://youtu.be/DPA_FIIIw_Y

I have a complaint

There are some really negative people in the world. I know I can't really talk about this because I am a realist and very down about some things but I mean the people that complain about everything. 

I will complain to people that deserve it and I will take the piss out of companies and organisations sometimes but I would never, ever, have a go at someone in retail or customer service. The cashiers that you see in Tesco or New Look who have to deal with a queue a mile along don't want to hear that you are annoyed about the wait or the fact that it is 'simply terrible' organisation that they had to stand around for three minutes playing on their phones while they had to deal with other angry customers. 

I have recently managed to pass a interview and I have been offered a job in a area that deals in customer service. As much as I hate having to deal with stupid people I know in have to now. 

I know people that complain about the simplest of things to employees that don't deserve it and no one deserves to have negative people in their life who will pick on the weak. 

Digital footprint

At college today we had a talk about Internet safety and our digital foot print. We had all the usual stuff about how you should never give your personal details out online and that we should download some antivirus software on our phones and laptops so we don't get hacked. 

That being said,

Hello my name is Benjamin Smith, I live in New Zealand with my husband Gerald and my daughter Jackie. 

I picked that name by chance and when I googled it I didn't know it belonged to a actor, so sorry about that, I liked him in only fools and horses if it makes things better. 

Also they went on about how people can watch what you do on your laptop, well I hope the people that watch mine like yaoi, loki, and kawaii furies. 

The part on digital footprints made me think that I should probably delete myself from anything that shows who I was before 2011. I went through some weird phases and said stuff I shouldn't have and I'm not proud. Also my spelling and grammar is atrocious before then. 

This blog doesn't come up when I google myself as I have used a alias but my YouTube that I have some very embarrassing video blogs on does. So does my Twitter and vine account but I only use them to stalk people. And as of this afternoon my accounts on fanfiction. Net and Archive of our own now don't because I have changed the user names. 

I made a lucky save with those sites. 

Fanfics

I read a lot of fanfiction. And I mean a lot. Even if I find a 72,000 word fic of one of my favourite ships or OTP on a night where I have a exam the next day, I will stay up to read it. 

I don't see how some people can not respect the authors. Some of them are still in school, battling with stress, homework, exams, mental health and family issues, but they still find time to write about two fictional characters that have fallen in love in a million different ways in millions of people's heads and still make it a excellent read. 

Any I try to write are really bad as it is purely lemons/smut and no fluff. I don't do fluff. 

If you don't know then:

Ship: two or more people you think are cute together or should be with each other 

OTP: a ship but the one that is your favourite overall

AU: alternative universe 

M/T/K: mature/ teen / kids ( rating) 

Lemon/smut: explicit content 

Lime: almost a lemon

Fluff: the mushy love stuff that makes me want to vomit. 

Wish

"I wish I had never met you." 

Well I don't. I have had many happy memories with you and if we didn't meet them I would know some things, like how to run some software on my rubbish little laptop, or how much I could trust people not to try things with me. I don't wish to go back and change the day I met you. I don't wish to change the moments we shared on the cliffs or in the dark the other weekend. 

The only thing I wish I could change is the way we parted. It could have been a little more dramatic, I mean, we could have gone out with a bang. 

Awkward shopping

When shopping I am the most awkward person imaginable. I walk around like I'm about to get caught even though I haven't actually done anything, and I don't intend to, and the staff silently judge me while I am looking the shelves up and down. 

I shop in men's sections because everything is cheaper and is smoother/ smells better/ doesn't burn when you put it on/ better value, then women's ( See the post called Army camo eye shadow to go more into that subject). And when you are the only female teenager in a crowded men's aisle, it looks pretty weird. 

It's even worse when trying to buy 'lady products' because the cashier always looks at you as if they expect you to explode at any moment with pms fuled anger! 

Once upon a time, a few months ago my friend made me go into a shop for her to buy some items that they were to embarrassed to buy themselves. When I finally found said items and retreated to the checkout I maintained eye contact with the cashier for a whole five minutes while he was scanning them and looking very nervous. 

"You have to be sixteen to buy this product. Do you have any ID?"  I showed him my identification and he carried on. I could only keep a straight face and eye contact because I knew what I was about to do next and I wanted to savour the moment. 

Paid and packed, I made my way to the exit of the shop when I said, in a rather loud voice, "I got (items), you owe me fifteen quid." 

She doesn't take me shopping anymore. 

Abort the mission

I know that abortion is a touchy subject for many people, men and women, but here is what I think. 

I am pro choice, this doesn't mean I am pro abortion, it means I would like to think that people can make their own decisions about their life and what they think would be best for them. Every woman or person who person with female genitalia or person who identify as female have the right to their own bodies and shouldn't have to be victimised or shunned because they have been told that they have to carry something that wasn't planned in their body for nine months then go through excruciating pain to get it out. It isn't right. It isn't killing another humans life, it is preventing a two or more people's life's from hardship and potential pain emotionally and physically. 

Now, all feminists will say that it is the mother's body so therefore it is her choice but it takes two to tango and the father, in my opinion, should be consulted. If he isn't willing to raise the child or be envolved then his own opinion doesn't matter as if he doesn't want anything to go with it then you shouldn't be made to keep it to conform with his beliefs. 

Raising a child is a mission and it may have ups and downs. It is always a matter of personal opinion and beliefs that should be taken into account but I think that the option should be available to all women without them feeling like they are murdering as many people say it is. 

I know if I was ever in the position of choosing to abort a child I would have the ability to do it without guilt as I know it would be because I didn't feel like I could support a child and that would be better for both of us but I know that some people may not have that kind of sturdy emotional wall. 

I wanted to write this as I saw a picture on social media earlier this afternoon of a foetus at twelve weeks old outside of the womb and it called abortion wrong and against God's divine laws and I don't think that teenagers should be subjected to this kind of negativity when they may be going through a difficult time. 

Recluse

Let's go on a adventure 

We have the world to see

It's sunny outside

You don't need to hide

Just come on a adventure with me

The play park used to be a castle 

The gardens, a realm of its own 

The woodlands a place for spy work 

Now all we do is sit at home

At least it's not raining 

But you always find a excuse 

To sit indoors, with friends round, 

On your own, recluse. 

Army camo eye shadow

I can't wait for men to start wearing make up again. I can't wait for the man coloured shades and the mud extreme lipgloss that will arise from the depths of maybeline and No.7 and I definitely can't wait for the prices to be so low on men's so I don't have to spend twenty quid on one pot of foundation. 

Men's products cost a lot less than women's. If you go into a shop into the women's section a can of deodorant will cost around £1.50-£2 for a decent size can but venture into te men's, like I so often do, then you can buy a large can for £1 and they smell so much better too.  Same sort of idea for shower gels and razors. 

I go to poundland for my make up. It is cheap and lasts quite a long time. It also has the pale shades I need as I can be very pale on some days. I get hair brushes from primark and hair dye from savers and I am not particularly bothered about whether it is too chav for me to get it from there. As a teenager on a low budget I am totally allowed to shop in the saver stores and they have some really good deals and finds in there. 

Make over

My friend Callum is currently sat in front of me having his make up done and the first thing he said is "Ouch this hurts!" And us girls replied "This is what we do everyday." 

"Why?" 

"Because men expect us to look pretty for them and this is how we achieve it." 

We are called out for being fake for wearing make up but are told to look pretty if we don't. When my brave male friends get their make up done or they go outside wearing dresses like they did on New Years then they really appreciate how hard it is for us. 

Copy and compute

I came back from my friends house tonight not feeling right. I was upset and a bit miffed because I had realised I couldn't be what people wanted. I know I have always tried to be myself and tell people if I am uncomfortable or don't like what's going on and the ones who matter know when to stop with me but some don't. 

I can't be a carbon copy of what you want, I am different and I don't do things the same way as them but I deserve a look in occasionally. 

Human cloning is illegal so don't expect me to be them. 

I told you so!

To my friends I am the agony aunt, the doctor, the walking dictionary, and the one who knows all. And yes, I am. And in this era of being the one that people go to whether I want them to or not I have developed a catch phrase. I told you so. 

You see, my friends will come to me for advice on their problems or to know if they need to see a doctor, in most cases they do, but they don't actually listen to my advice and then they get upset when they do the stupid thing and it turns out wrong. 

I give advice when they don't ask for it as well because otherwise they would do the stupid thing and not think of their actions during it. This is where I get shouted at or argued with because they want to do it their way and  wrong. They know it is only advice and they can do what they want but when it is all over they come to me to be comforted. 

I wouldnt ever turn away one of my mates if they were upset or annoyed but the cycle get really repetitive with some. 

There is one person in particular who has been on the receiving end of the phrase more than anyone else but I'm still here trying to help them even when it seems like they have things covered. I have total faith that they will get somewhere but they just need a push in the right direction.  

Sometimes it is okay not to want to be near people and that's is a fine thing to want.

Some days I can't get up

Some days I don't want to

Some days I can't deal with your shit

Some days I don't want to

Some days I can't keep my temper 

Some days I don't want to

Some days I can't talk to people

Some days I don't want to 

Some days I can't get motivated to do anything 

Some days I don't want to 

Today I couldn't do anything 

Today I didn't want to. 

Hugs

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't like hugging. 

I don't do it very often and you should feel very important if I do hug you or if you get any kind of physical contact at all. When people ask me for hugs or say 'where's my hug,' I have the absolute urge to punch them or say " Up your mother's backside." 

I don't see the point of hugging people. If it's your partner or parent you are hugging it's fine but friends can go overboard with the hugs. Every five minutes someone asks for a hug and it is just not nessacery. 

You can Triforce-ing me to play any other game

When people ask me what my favourite video game is they expect me to say Minecraft because I play it all the time and I can sit for hours and watch other people play it without getting bored or frustrated. It isn't, but it is in the top five. My all time favourite game is the Legend of Zelda series of games. The best being Twilight Princess.

The Zelda games are my favourite because it is purely adventure and even the main female is a bad ass whereas in other games, the female is kidnapped and stands around doing nothing all game. The main character, Link not Zelda, comes from a little village in the middle of the woods and is chosen by him possessing the Spirit of the Hero, not because he is strong or powerful. He uses his skill to fight during the game and doesn't use magic unless it is in the form of a item such as a mask or the ocarina.

My favourite character is by far Midna from Twilight Princess. She is funny and sarcastic and directs link through the game alongside Navi, a little fairy thing that gets in the way most of the time. She is mostly helping Link during the game for her own gain, to get back to her throne in the twilight realm, but she learns to care for Link in her own little twisted way.

I haven't played any Zelda games in a while because I don't have any Nintendo products in my house at the moment but I will play again, for Hyrule needs me.

Into the woods

Near where I live there is a place called Moors Valley. It is a big country park and forest in Dorset and has loads of  different stuff to do within it. I decided to take advantage of the natural beauty of the sunlight pouring through the trees and take a few pictures of my two Pop dolls, Loki and Daeneres, in a habitat that could be associated with them. Many people could understand Loki in the woods because of all the green he wears and in mythology he spends lots of time in the woods but putting a female who spends most of her time in the dessert in the Game of Thrones series, didn't seem a good idea but I did it anyway.

Here are the two pictures I thought were the best. They are edited a little for effect.

Screenshots

The power of screenshots in the twenty first century is overwhelmingly strong. Only yesterday did I get a load of screenshots from a friend proving he was in the right and the other party were in the wrong. It has shown how two faced people can be when talking to different people. 

Technology has made it very easy to get people who deserve to be in trouble, in trouble and innocents, to be let off like they deserve. I use it to show the true sides of people I don't like and know will hurt my friends to said hurt friends. 

I also use it to prove people wrong because I am a nasty person and don't deserve to be let outside. 

This year

This year I will:

Turn 17

Meet new people

Have exams

Go places

Get up in the morning 

Fail at things

2015, 

I hate it already 

I will also:

Laugh a lot

See the people I love

Join more fandoms

Spend time with my internet friends 

Smile

Go to sleep knowing I am doing ok

2015,

I love it already 

Happy New Year