Another Virgin Mary for me

I don't believe in virginity.
But how can you not believe in virginity? Its a real thing.
Actually, its not.

Virginity, the state of never having sexual intercourse, doesn't exist in my little world. To me the losing of one's supposed innocence was never a big deal and lets face it, my mind was never innocent in the first place. From around the age of nine boys in my primary school started talking about girls, and some how knew what sex was. I, the forever boffin tomboy that I was used to hang around with said boys occasionally. We had some interesting lunchtimes, like the time one of them brought in a magazine that had some guy in just a pair of speedos in, or the fact that whenever it came to talking about the sticky stuff they would ask loads of awkward questions.

I don't believe in virginity because it is a made up concept that was used to determine a female's ranking in society quite a long time ago and by now, it should have become a little more relaxed. I can fully understand if you want to save it for the right one though. For girls it's not the nicest of experiences.Yes, men, you get the better end of the deal, we get painful first times, periods, child birth, and a higher chance of getting raped or assaulted on the streets and you get dangly bits on the outside that can be sensitive when we get too mad at you and decide to hit it where it hurts.

If anyone, repeat anyone, trys to shun others for loosing it before they think they should, I will rage at you. I was always told that it should happen when I deemed myself ready, not when any religion or person told me it was right.

P.S, I am also very aware that nearly everything I ever post will probably send me to hell, if there is one.
P.P.S, Don't drink, its not good ( Reference to title)!

Anger

There are two types of anger;

The first is the dry anger, the hate and disgust for another. The shouting, the screaming, the throwing things across the room. The blood boiling in your veins, pumping your heart. It's the rush that can drive you to do stupid things, like say you don't love them anymore, or calling their best friend better looking. You can slam doors and turn over tables but the "sorry," you get makes it all better.

The dry anger will fade, eventually.

The second, is wet anger. Tears and sobs echoing in witnesses eyes and ears. You try to cling on to everything you have, but it doesn't happen. Life doesn't work like that. The last thing you remember is curling up into a ball and shuffling into a corner, away from the hurt, hiding from the pain that ails you. Your body aches and your lungs want to give out. A "sorry," may be uttered, but it doesn't mean anything.

The wet anger, never leaves your mind.

When you say sorry, I know if you mean it. I know you well enough to distinguish the fake apologies and the real ones. Although I don't hate you, or feel any anger towards you, I don't want a "Sorry," this time.

Vlog

So I vlog now. 

Video blog, that is. I sit in front of my phone camera every so often and speak about absolutely nothing of interest. I will think of some decent video ideas at some point when I have a half decent laptop and can edit properly but for now it is mostly talking for no reason. 

Speaking in front of a camera does help confidence issues, if you have them. Only about three of four people know about the vlogs and the most views I have is four but just knowing someone is watching is a big boost. 

I am going to leave a link so you can watch if you want but don't feel like you have to. 

This was my first so be kind.

http://youtu.be/DPA_FIIIw_Y

I have a complaint

There are some really negative people in the world. I know I can't really talk about this because I am a realist and very down about some things but I mean the people that complain about everything. 

I will complain to people that deserve it and I will take the piss out of companies and organisations sometimes but I would never, ever, have a go at someone in retail or customer service. The cashiers that you see in Tesco or New Look who have to deal with a queue a mile along don't want to hear that you are annoyed about the wait or the fact that it is 'simply terrible' organisation that they had to stand around for three minutes playing on their phones while they had to deal with other angry customers. 

I have recently managed to pass a interview and I have been offered a job in a area that deals in customer service. As much as I hate having to deal with stupid people I know in have to now. 

I know people that complain about the simplest of things to employees that don't deserve it and no one deserves to have negative people in their life who will pick on the weak. 

Digital footprint

At college today we had a talk about Internet safety and our digital foot print. We had all the usual stuff about how you should never give your personal details out online and that we should download some antivirus software on our phones and laptops so we don't get hacked. 

That being said,

Hello my name is Benjamin Smith, I live in New Zealand with my husband Gerald and my daughter Jackie. 

I picked that name by chance and when I googled it I didn't know it belonged to a actor, so sorry about that, I liked him in only fools and horses if it makes things better. 

Also they went on about how people can watch what you do on your laptop, well I hope the people that watch mine like yaoi, loki, and kawaii furies. 

The part on digital footprints made me think that I should probably delete myself from anything that shows who I was before 2011. I went through some weird phases and said stuff I shouldn't have and I'm not proud. Also my spelling and grammar is atrocious before then. 

This blog doesn't come up when I google myself as I have used a alias but my YouTube that I have some very embarrassing video blogs on does. So does my Twitter and vine account but I only use them to stalk people. And as of this afternoon my accounts on fanfiction. Net and Archive of our own now don't because I have changed the user names. 

I made a lucky save with those sites. 

Fanfics

I read a lot of fanfiction. And I mean a lot. Even if I find a 72,000 word fic of one of my favourite ships or OTP on a night where I have a exam the next day, I will stay up to read it. 

I don't see how some people can not respect the authors. Some of them are still in school, battling with stress, homework, exams, mental health and family issues, but they still find time to write about two fictional characters that have fallen in love in a million different ways in millions of people's heads and still make it a excellent read. 

Any I try to write are really bad as it is purely lemons/smut and no fluff. I don't do fluff. 

If you don't know then:

Ship: two or more people you think are cute together or should be with each other 

OTP: a ship but the one that is your favourite overall

AU: alternative universe 

M/T/K: mature/ teen / kids ( rating) 

Lemon/smut: explicit content 

Lime: almost a lemon

Fluff: the mushy love stuff that makes me want to vomit. 

Wish

"I wish I had never met you." 

Well I don't. I have had many happy memories with you and if we didn't meet them I would know some things, like how to run some software on my rubbish little laptop, or how much I could trust people not to try things with me. I don't wish to go back and change the day I met you. I don't wish to change the moments we shared on the cliffs or in the dark the other weekend. 

The only thing I wish I could change is the way we parted. It could have been a little more dramatic, I mean, we could have gone out with a bang. 

Awkward shopping

When shopping I am the most awkward person imaginable. I walk around like I'm about to get caught even though I haven't actually done anything, and I don't intend to, and the staff silently judge me while I am looking the shelves up and down. 

I shop in men's sections because everything is cheaper and is smoother/ smells better/ doesn't burn when you put it on/ better value, then women's ( See the post called Army camo eye shadow to go more into that subject). And when you are the only female teenager in a crowded men's aisle, it looks pretty weird. 

It's even worse when trying to buy 'lady products' because the cashier always looks at you as if they expect you to explode at any moment with pms fuled anger! 

Once upon a time, a few months ago my friend made me go into a shop for her to buy some items that they were to embarrassed to buy themselves. When I finally found said items and retreated to the checkout I maintained eye contact with the cashier for a whole five minutes while he was scanning them and looking very nervous. 

"You have to be sixteen to buy this product. Do you have any ID?"  I showed him my identification and he carried on. I could only keep a straight face and eye contact because I knew what I was about to do next and I wanted to savour the moment. 

Paid and packed, I made my way to the exit of the shop when I said, in a rather loud voice, "I got (items), you owe me fifteen quid." 

She doesn't take me shopping anymore.